Kat Sighs

Kat sighs once again. This screen is like my mind. Blank. I feel the need to fill it with something but what? Blank is what I am thinking. Numb is how I am feeling. I keep waiting for it all to hit me but it doesn't. There's just nothing. Why nothing? Why?! I don't get it. Is it possible not to feel nothing at all when the most awful thing is happening?

Flat. Like all the bounce has gone out of me. Not sad. No tears. Nothing. A big flat nothing.

We are going to move back to our old town so commuting is easier for him as he doesn't have transport yet.
I suppose I should start sorting out all the junk we have collected over the last 18 months. I don't want to be lugging that around the county.

I am going to take my little Squish for a taster at nursery this week. I still think he isn't quite ready but I'm hoping that is just me being an over protective Mum. He is the baby of all my babies after all! I'm sure he will be fine but we'll see how it goes.

It is very weird that he is moving out but essentially we are still together. We haven't fallen out. We haven't split up. We just aren't going to live together. It is hard to get my head around so don't worry if you struggle with it too! I think it would be easier if we had a massive fight and fell out. He would just go and I would have to just get on with things.

Now we are trying to do the best thing for everyone. There is a lot of discussion about what to do next, how we can both work and have the boys cared for without rushing them. It is very complicated.

I have just signed up to home swapper so we can exchange back to our old town where Big goes to school. I have had one enquiry already so it may not take long to find a swap. Once a swap is confirmed that will be the start of us going our separate ways.

Why do it? If it is so upsetting, why go through with it. I have asked myself the same thing, believe me.
Do you remember turning off the tv when you were a kid and watching the screen until the spot of light completely disappeared. That's what it's like watching him at the moment. His light is slowly fading and this situation is responsible for that. I can't watch that happen and not do anything. I made a promise to love him and look after him. If that means I have to let him go to make him happy then so be it. I would rather that than live with a shadow of who he used to be.
I have a responsibility to my husband and my boys to do what is best for them and support them. That is all I am doing now. Most days it is fine and I feel totally at ease about the whole situation. I know we are doing the right thing for all of us.Other days, like today, I think "WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING???" I feel a bit pissed off with being stuck in limbo. At the moment we aren't completely together but we aren't separated either. It drives me a bit nuts as I have to co ordinate everything and work full time too.

I'm sure it will work out though. I should go to bed now as its late and I'm spending the day with my babies tomorrow, Yipeeeeeeeeeee!