I did plan to do a bit of cleaning and then some fun stuff with the boys. Take them out somewhere new or something. Once they were up, it was obvious the only thing they should be doing was going back to bed fairly shortly. The poor lads are totally shattered bless them. Chaos came into my bed at some point last night but Squish slept through, thankfully.
Their bedtime routine needs desperate attention but Im not sure I want to wade into that just at the moment. It's nearly 9pm and I can still hear Squish shouting and Chaos coughing. They need more sleep. Maybe I'll have a look through our sleep book again and see what it says. This cant go on, it's driving me nuts!!
Back to today. I felt quite positive about having a good day with them but Chaos has been really hard work. He is feeling my husbands absence most of all. He was very upset this morning so we rang my husband which cheered him up no end. He seems to get very frustrated and tense about everything. Putting them to bed for their nap was hard as Chaos sobbed himself to sleep, saying Daddy over and over. It is so heartbreaking. I have to be honest, I wanted to go and get my husband there and then just to stop his pain and mine. Needless to say I didn't.
While they were sleeping I thought I would sort out my Tax Credits claim and change it from joint to a single claim. I had all the information with me so it wasn't a bother but there were certain things the lady said that really hit a nerve. I suppose I hadn't really thought of this as a separation until she said I would be liable for half of any over payments from the joint claim ans my husband would be liable for the other half. After getting off the phone I stood looking out of the window and realised it's just me now.
There isn't "could you just grab that for me?" or " I'm making tea, want one?" Just me.
There is nobody to talk to about my day or ask how the boys have been.
No one to help carry the boys and the shopping from the car park when it's pissing with rain.
No one to curl up with on the sofa and eat Ben & Jerrys.
No one to pinch the milk bottles out of the Haribo bag
There is no sugar on the work top from his last cup of tea
There aren't any dirty clothes in the bedroom
The loo roll is always changed rather than balanced on the empty roll
There is no smell of lynx through the house when hes just had a shower
There is no stubble in the sink
I catch myself thinking he'll be home soon. But he wont. And I miss him. So. Bloody. Much.
This was taken on our anniversary last year.
We went into Bath on the train and got a little bit drunk.
I love this photo, it makes me smile.
(He also has LUSH dimples lol)
On a positive note, that super man of mine has only gone and passed his CBT (compulsary basic training for riding motor bikes). That's one step closer to riding round Europe together, Wooohooo! I'm so proud of him. I couldn't face doing it when I was ill so I take my hat off that he succeeded, even with things the way they are. He said he feels really good about himself and I don't blame him either!!
You will both get through this Kat. It probably doesn't feel that way but you both will. I'm sure with your support and the support from his Uncle, hubby will be in a better place eventually, then you and the boys will have him back. Well done to him passing his cbt.
ReplyDeleteThose you have listed are all the things i take for granted. You will get them back though, I hope, and not too far in the future. Lots of love and hugs to the boys, and huge ones to you, Your Cupcake ;) xxx
This sounds like a complete roller coaster at the moment. It must be such hard work both physically and emotionally.Its good that you have this blog to write about how things are going.Keep your chin up lovely lady. xxx
ReplyDeleteKat - There is so much I could tell you... but can't given this medium. My husband suffers from depression as well. We've been battling it together for nearly five years. It took me walking out the door on Christmas Eve for him to seek help. In the beginning, it's literally a daily battle. (He with himself, yourself with him, yourself with yourself.) I wouldn't wish this on my enemy. But... (and there is a but) - you both took the first step. You recognize the problem and you're seeking help. Don't give up, things will change, you will feel normal again. You will be all right again. He is going to go through a battle with the meds (he'll feel GREAT for a brief period, then they won't work.... it's a trial and error, but don't give up). You feel like the earth is moving under your feet, but you are smart, brave, kind and will find a way to get through this. (Imagine a friend sipping a cup of tea beside you.)
ReplyDeleteKat, my marriage broke down 9 years ago - not through depression, I have to add, and we didn't get back together. I've moved on now, but despite the reasons for the breakdown being different, I recognise so much of what you write here. If you ever need a chat, feel free to mail me. Those first months can be tough, specially when children are small and don't understand what's going on exactly.
ReplyDeleteHoping your husband gets the help he needs and makes a full recovery, and in years to come you'll look back on this period as a time that made you both stronger.