Things are by no means back to normal here but they have found a level. There is enough routine for things to feel somewhat settled again. I have felt better in myself and able to cope with all the latest slings and arrows. I stopped taking my tablets a few weeks ago now and have felt the same as I did when I was taking them. I'm not sure if it is something to do with the full moon or lack of tablets but I have been really weepy the last two days. It occurred to me today that maybe I should go back on them but then a thought hit me.
Before I write any more. This is my opinion and something I feel to be right for me.
The pills don't work. They don't make anything better. They just numb my emotions. In this fast paced crazy life we live in we don't have time or space for emotions any more. We aren't allowed to be upset for fear it should interfere with our daily life. Here's something radical folks...
We are humans capable of feeling a wide range of emotions so why should we suppress that? The Dr asked if my emotional state was affecting my ability to carry out my daily tasks. Of course I said yes. That is apparently a serious emotional state that requires medical intervention.
I realise now that
a) It is ok that I feel like my world has caved in - it has. My husband has moved out and I am suddenly a single Mum of three boys.
b) It's ok that I miss my husband. He is my one and only so it's bound to feel like half of me is missing all the time - he is!
c) It is up to me whether I forgive what has happened and up to everyone else if they can forgive too. They do not have to influence my decision.
d) Me and my boys love my husband. He loves us. I will do whatever it takes for us to be a family again.
e) I am not endangering my boys and being a bad Mum by continuing our marriage. We have all learnt from this situation and it will make us all stronger.
I have decided not to continue with my anti depressants for the time being. I feel sure I can over come this on my own (If I can't then obviously I will get help). I don't want to hide from my feelings, they are what drive us, what keep us going through the tough times. I am going to look into other alternative ways of supporting myself and my family through this. I don't feel that medicinal help is the answer for me at this time.
I am also aware of the message this is giving to my ever observant Chaos, who wants to know why I take pills every morning and why doesn't he have to? I want to show him that there is always another option. That medicines are needed in some situations but not necessarily in others.
I feel so much more relaxed having got that down.
I feel alone
I feel overwhelmed at times
I'm at breaking point occasionally
I am strong
I am sensible
I am protective