Alone...

Why am I writing this? Just to get it out of my head really. I don't expect it to make a difference, that's if you even read it. I just need to stop thinking about stuff and this is the only way I know how (other than talking and my dog said she has heard enough!)

Today has been really tough. Chaos has been really hard work and I have felt totally overwhelmed by the amount of things that still need doing. I am sat here in the dark at 4:20 worrying. I nearly rang you. I don't see why I should have to do this alone.  But then,  what good would ringing you do. It wont change anything. If you came round you wouldn't be here for me,  you'd be here out of duty and that would make it all worse wouldn't it.

The point is I woke up over an hour ago feeling ill. A bit sick and achy with weird flashing patterns in front of my eyes. It was quite scary. Once it had worn off a bit,  I tried to get up but felt a bit dizzy. I messaged a friend who said to contact the midwife just in case. I did and the midwife suggested some water and tryig to sleep it off. She said I could pop down if I still didn't feel right but she didn't think it was anything to worry about at the moment.

That's when I started thinking.  What do I do if something does happens, if I cant look after the boys, if I need to go to hospital? Who do I call? What if there is something wrong with the baby, who will be there for me? The very loud resounding answer I got was no one. I'm on my own.

I suppose a large part of the problem is I still don't understand.  Wouldn't say I am particularly slow but I really can't get my head round a few things. I don't understand how you can tell me you love me just an hour before you walk out the door. Was all this just an act? Have the last few months meant nothing?  Did you really only come back because you missed Chaos?

The other thing that baffles me is how you can just leave. How? We have been together six and a half years yet you can just leave without a second thought. This is the hardest part of pregnancy. The most tiring, draining, emotionally wearing, physically demanding time and you just left! How can you do that to anyone, let alone your wife who is having your baby?! I find it hard to believe I have been married to someone for that long and not realise how cold hearted and callous they are. I wouldn't leave anyone in this situation without offering to stay or be on call 24hours. Not you though. That is what hits the hardest. You said an hour before you walked out the door that you loved me. Actions speak, no they scream much louder than words and it seems either there is something really, seriously not right with you or you don't have an ounce of compassion or emotional feeling in you at all! I have no idea how you could do that to anyone, let alone your wife and kids.

I can't think about this any more, it's too painful. And you wanted to come to the birth?! Not a chance. That space is reserved for my husband. The man I married that has as much love and commitment for his family as I do. Unfortunately, he no longer exists...