That's where I feel like I am at the moment, in the eye of the storm. It's eerily quiet and calm. Things all look normal but you know they aren't. You know damn well any minute the whole lot is going to cave in and fall around your ears. You want to run, get yourself the hell out of there while you still can but that may well be the trigger. The small shake that starts the landslide which is inevitable. So, you stand dead still. Don't move. Don't even blink.My last post was rather more upbeat than this one is going to be but that happens. Today, I just feel like swearing.... a lot.
Since I last wrote a fair few things have happened and that has resulted in things moving a little more swiftly now. There has been a stupid purchase, a lack of care, a loss of interest here and an apparent new interest elsewhere...
I have had some interest in our house through the home swap site. I had another email today and I got a little excited at the prospect of moving until it hit me. I realised this was our house. OURS. We had plans for this house. We were going to save and put down carpets and paint walls and decorate with OUR things.
We aren't going to do that anymore. The next house will be my house. My responsibility. All down to me.
I thought those days were passed. I thought I had someone to share the load with. Nope. Just me.
......So, I've decided my room will be PINK!
Seriously, this is heavy stuff and I'm struggling. It feels weird. Nothing feels quite right, even though it all looks pretty much the same. I feel sad for all the things we wont get to do. We wont get to finish decorating our house. We wont have a Christmas here with all our family over. We wont get to turn the outhouse into a den for Ed and his mates. I wont get to see all my plants mature in our garden. I wont get to chose what grows around our front door or what lavender looks like under the front window.
I realise these are all little minor things. But these are the minor things that make a house a home. That's what this place is, or was.
Our home.
Although those minor things are actually big things and things the matter, make your house your home, think about how you can bring all of that, all of you and your family to a new place. A new home, a fresh start, a blank canvas even!
ReplyDeleteGood call on the pink by the way, keep up the blogging lovely xxx
You appear to be keeping it together better than I could ever dream to. Agreed with Hannah - those minor things are the major things that give meaning to life. However, plant those flowers with your kids, build your memories with them... they will be strong and loving ones.
ReplyDeleteYou support means so much, thank you and Han of course. (My mountain climbing buddy!)
DeleteI am just sad for all the plans we made as a couple that aren't going to happen now. I realise I can make a home for my gorgeous boys and me. I am just sad for the part that wont be joining us. For me it isn't just ending our past together we are also ending the future we planned. While I am excited for our new adventure I am also heavy hearted for all that wont come to be xxx
Kat you are having such a tough time. I totally get that you are not just grieving for the past but for the future you had thought you would have. It is really really sad.
ReplyDeleteI'm sure you have a happy future ahead with your boys; allow yourself space to feel happy and sad.
You're doing brilliantly and we are all here for you xx
My heart goes out to you Kat. Keep blogging, hon, whether its up, down or any other way. One day at a time you will get through. Sarah x
ReplyDeleteLots of love, xxx
ReplyDeleteSo sorry not to have checked in with you sooner, Kat. Sending you humungous love. Check in any time if you need a chat, cheer up, trip to Cornwall... xxx
ReplyDelete