Wednesday 4 November 2015
I love blogging. I love having a place to record what feelings and events occur. I feel that something quite monumental is beginning to happen and I want to keep a record of it, for myself and for others. I think I am beginning to get a feel of what I am supposed to be doing. Like my purpose in life, if you like. This may sound a bit hippyish, and maybe it is but how many of us stop long enough to really think about what we want? What we are doing with our precious time? I haven't. Not really. Not further than "God, I hate having to do this every day!" So now I'm thinking about it. Really. Thinking about it.
Tuesday 27 October 2015
Saturday 24 October 2015
Ok I'm feeling much better now. My eldest Sat with the other three so I could take the dog round the block. It doesn't take much to let off the pressure. Sometimes not knowing when you can get that much needed release contributes to the rising pressure. It reallyi s a battle of internal wills.
I feel really disappointed for being unable to model better behaviour for my children. I realise there is a lot going on with us at the moment but I am a hypocrite to discipline them for their outbursts without keeping a check on mine.
I really need to take better care of myself or I am not going to improve things for any of us.
I have to say, I find people incredibly hard work. I saw somethingt he other day and it is so true for me.
Once you discover the peace and quiet of isolation,
you'll want to stay there
While I was on my walk, I realised how stressed I feel trying to maintain a "normal" life. I can't cope with the negative attitudes of others or trying to conform to the narrow minded restrictions on behaviour.
When I lived in the village, live was much less stressful. We used to laugh. We painted and crafted our way through the day. Walking the dog and having naps if we needed them. Our neighbours were lovely, unlike the noisy ones we have now.
I miss that. I miss feeling relaxed and enjoying myself with my children. I really want to get back to that, or something very similar!
I hate being a fucking grown up. Having to stand and be calm and talk in your soft fluffy voice while your off spring are screaming in your face and beating you with a plastic hammer?
Right now, my head feels like it's going to explode. I have Steele rods up the back of my neck, pain behind my eyes and across my forehead. My back aches from being so tense all the time. The pains in my chest are a killer.
I am so posses off with listeningt o the endless drivel that they spew at each other. " He took my brick" and " He won't let me see the book" Ffs get another brick, look at another fucking book. Really?? Go in a different bloody room if the same room isn't big enough. Go in the garden, run about out there instead of hitting your brother.
I swear I could get a baseball bat and smack the shit out of all their damn toys, the ungrateful little sods. I don't know why they have them when throwing flour round the kitchen is so much more fun.
Obviously today is not such a great day. Things are extremely stressful at the moment and rather than throw my kids at the wall, I thought I'd share it all here instead. Feel free to judge me, for you also judge yourself. There is no parent on this earth who hasn't wished their child would shut the **** up or go away. Hell, time out is as much for parents as the kids right?!
Sorry if you find this offensive but I love my friends too much to call and scream profanities at them.
I feel like a pressure cooker. The trouble is there isn't a release at the moment so I'm constantly on the boil. This has to change before I shoot myself!
I miss blogging. I haven't found the time. There doesn't seem to be a gap between household/parenting duty and waking up at midnight on the sofa halfway through a message. It's like I've lost my best friend. The one that always listens to whatever junk I splurge. I managed it today though. It was a toss up between throwing the kids out the window or writing down how I felt.
Feel better now. With one child asleep and one in his room, it looks safe enough to go make a coffee :) Thanks for listening....
Tuesday 20 October 2015
It's bedtime. I'm lying here next to her cot as she breathes noisily. She's had a cold the last few days and is teething but that hasn't dampened her spirits at all. She always greets me with a smile when I walk in the room. She loves to climb and has accomplished the stairs (by accident) with ease. He current challenge seems to be the bookcase, although I'm far from keen on her achieving her goal! Her fourth tooth has just broken through on the bottom. Now five, six and seven are catching up fast. Watching her standing and trying to walk whenever she can. This little lady is nothing like the tiny baby I held a year ago.
Wednesday 16 September 2015
What makes a good friend? Have you ever wondered what kind of a friend you are? Do you have high expectations of people in your life or do you rely mainly on family for help and support? I saw a friend unexpectedly earlier and the meeting has had me thinking about our relationship and what it means to me.
Tuesday 15 September 2015
Have you ever wondered what would happen if you weren't here? How would your family manage without you? What would their daily routine be then? Is it something you would rather not think about? Is it too painful to consider? Not being able to watch your children grow up.