Today, I have clarity. I don't know why today is different. Maybe it is because I have the rest of the month off work to focus on my family. I feel totally different about things today and it's all good! The fog and the weight have lifted and I have more energy and calm. It feels GREAT!!
Now all the interviews and questions are over we can move on. The outcome is, my husband has to have supervised visits for the foreseeable future. Should we resume our relationship and he moves back home we will both be prosecuted and the boys taken in to care if anything like this happens again. There are other details but that is the basic outline.
Over the past two weeks I have been totally confused as to what to do for the best. I realise to most of you, it's a no brainer. When you are in the thick of it, things aren't quite so cut and dried. Basically, I had been hit with what felt like a choice between my husband and my boys. At that point I was still trying to get my head around what had actually happened. It has all moved so fast, it's been a real struggle to keep up.
We are out the other side now and the waters are slightly calmer. It occurred to me this morning that before all this happened, we had already decided for my husband to move out. I mentioned that in Offloading and Kat Sighs. He was finding family life overwhelming and we felt maybe living apart would do us all some good. I didn't want to watch him suffer the way I had, I love him too much for that. So here we are. Doing exactly what we talked about. He has moved out and is feeling better without so much pressure on him. He is getting help for his anger and has been taking his meds for a month.
I realise this isn't the ideal situation by any means. But, I find it slightly ironic that now we are in a situation where we HAVE to do what we originally planned to do. He HAS to commit to seeing the boys on a regular basis instead of fitting them in around work. As he can't move back in he wont be put under the same pressure again so will be able to enjoy his time with the boys and rebuild a happier relationship with them. The boys wont see their Daddy stressed out so will be able to look forward to spending time with him rather than worrying about it a bit. Now I can see things from a different angle, it looks so much more positive.
As for my marriage, I don't know. It seems like we have found a manageable solution for now with regards to the boys. He is my husband, I love him with all my heart and I always will. He will always be my weakness, my other half, my soul mate and best friend. Yes, it hurts that we can't be together but I will not risk losing my boys, even for him. Even though we are apart I am still his wife and I shall continue to act as such. I have no interest in anyone else. I have found my one and only and I miss him with every breath...