Tuesday 31 December 2013

2013 - Thank God Its Over!

I can't say I'm sorry it's over. This has probably been the toughest year of my entire life, without exaggeration. It started off wonderful and positive but soon spiraled uncontrollably into something dark and desperate. As poetic as it sounds, our shattered lives are now the makings of a new picture as we try to put the pieces back together.

 I have been forced to question everything I hold dear and I admit, it has very nearly broken me beyond repair. I became a person a dispised and i am still clawing my way back from that. Due to continued lack of sleep and endless stresses, it is taking longer than I'd like, but it is what it is.

I shall fill you in. Back in June, I was working full time in a lovely farm shop and my husband was home with the boys full time. I didn't realise at the time how much he was struggling with them. One day I noticed bruises on Squish's arms and knew something had happened. I told my husband to stay elsewhere for the time being, as I realised the situation was out of hand. He was so stressed out we agreed he wouldnt have the boys on their own as he couldn't cope with them.
I cut my hours at work and my Dad helped me by picking them up from nursery. It was tough but I felt sure we would be ok.
A while later I discovered he had shaken Squish. I couldn't believe it. This is where I made the biggest mistake. Instead of asking what exactly what had happened, I panicked and took him to the Drs. The doctor took a call while we were there and he lightly informed me it was social services. From then on our lives were plunged into turmoil.

The following week was a string of appointments while they assessed Squish to see if he had any injuries. Luckily he didn't. I was advised by our Social Worker that my husband was NOT to see the boys at all until they had finished their assessment. I was told if he came back or we resumed our relationship they would call child protection and our boys would go into care. Hearing that, I didn't dare tell her we were still together. I mean, would you?!
That went on for months. The only way he could see the boys was via Skype which unfortunately seemed to upset them a great deal. They talked on the phone but they still missed his terribly.

In August they decided he was allowed supervised visits by people they approved. While this was great for him and the boys , it put added strain on our relationship. It did mean we could go out together as a family again which was amazing.

Social Services then decided they were going to withdraw their involvement and hand our case over to the Health Visitor ( a CAF) so we signed all the relevent paperwork and waited to hear they had closed the case. We were made up, it was nearly over at last!
 After several weeks I had a call from our Social Worker. Due to a change in management they had decided our case needed more investigation. We were assigned a new Social Worker and off we went again. More courses and meetings. More probing into our personal lives. We went for counselling with Relate as they are meant to be specialists in relationships but they turned us down. Yes, they refused to help us. Why? The woman said we were in too much of a crisis and to come back when we were all living together again. She also asked what did I expect from marrying someone his age? Men mature slower than women so I was in for at least another ten years of pain and suffering if I was to continue with the relationship. We left there on an all time low. I couldn't believe what we had just heard. Even our Social Worker advised us to complain. By then we had lost all our fight. We'd had our hopes dashed so many times , nobody would help and we didn't seem to be any closer to getting our case closed.

My husband was getting more used to a single life and less tolerant of us as a family. He was working away by then so it all placed even more stress on our already fragile marriage.
At the same time we were getting used to life without him and it seemed more stressful with him around. The crunch came when he stood the boys up two weeks running. They counted down the days on the calendar until he would be back. Chaos in particular has taken this very hard as he is his Daddys boy. When his Daddy didn't come home he was beside himself. He cried himself to sleep, he woke up and cried when he realised he hadn't come back. He was also naughty at nursery that day and they always sing his praises.
That was the last straw. I couldn't bear to watch them suffer with the inconsistency any more. I rang my husband and told him his behaviour was disgusting and I didn't want anything more to do with him. I was furious, heartbroken and shocked. My fury carried me through the next few weeks but once it wore off I realised I was a mess.

All the plans we had made for us and our family, gone just like that. The boys were such hard work. They missed him and were insecure. Their behaviour got worse as I got more run down. All I could see was a future of screaming, fighting kids and no escape. I had lost the love of my life and i didn't want to do it anymore. I couldn't bare it. I remember one day crying, sitting with the phone in one hand and the social workers number in the other. I knew if I rang him they would take the boys. I dialled and it seemed to ring forever. Finally a familiar voice answered. The one I really wanted to hear. I had rung my husband.

He came back after work. He's going to stay. We are working things out as we go. It is a huge adjustment for all of us but we should never have been kept apart, especially for so long. He is going to move in to our new house with us and change his job so we can be a proper family again. I have every confidence in our love for each other. I know we are strong enough to overcome this. We are still attending the courses and continuing our self development.

This hasn't been a rush decision, believe me! I have weighed up the pros and cons. I have talked to Big and heard what it's been like for him growing up without his Dad. I have also taken into account the difference in the boys when my husband is here. I feel we are all better off together. To reaffirm this we are going to renew our vows on our 5th anniversary in March. It is going to be a new start for us all.

On that note I shall wish you all the most wonderfully, magical New Year and may all your dreams come true xx

3 comments:

  1. Well done Kat, despite all that you've been through you have a great positive outlook for 2014, and I know you are strong enough to see it through. Good luck to you all, Joy x x x

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  2. Happy New Year Kat. I really hope that 2014 brings you and your family peace and happiness. xxx

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  3. Wow kat! That summed up a *wow* year!? I know I've been reading and commenting for most if it and I'll keep today that. Just make sure you are doing what's right for YOU and that you're all happy, that's all that's important xxx

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