Saturday, 15 September 2012

FUCK IT

I don't exactly know when it happened. I have been so busy with the boys I haven't had time to think about much else. That's always when these things happen though isn't it, when you're not looking...

I feel like I've been hit by a massive tidal wave. I have no idea why but I feel like crying most of the time. I could sleep my way through the best part of a week with no problem at all. I didn't see it coming at all. Last Sunday I was crying a lot but I later thought that was because I had forgotten to take my pills that day. Obviously not.

I don't know what to do about it. I am on the maximum dose of my pills now and I still feel bloomin awful. What's next?? I'm a bit scared about the answer to that question to be honest.I am so glad my husband will be home a bit more now. After a few days of me he may just beg for his job back by the end of the week ha ha.

Is it ever going to go away? I thought I was on the mend and nearly back to my old self but now I feel as bad as I ever have. I had a really tough day with the boys yesterday and by the time my husband got home I was a blubbing mess. I was stuttering again so I then had to explain it to my brother in law as he kept giving me funny looks. It's weird having someone else here. Normally I don't have to worry about other people when I'm bad but now I do so I can't relax properly. I feel like such an idiot when I can't talk properly.

We are going out tonight for the Corporals birthday. She is home on leave for a week and I feel awful that I'm like this now. My mate is coming up from London too as he also knows the Corporal. Why does this shit always happen when I have things planned?? Why can't it just fuck off and leave me alone. I have tried being positive and thinking challenges make us stronger but it's bollocks really and doesn't help you cope with this shit. It just makes me feel like even more of a useless failure.

Chaos is on his way down with my husband so in the interest of preserving my trusty laptop I have to go. Sorry for the morning misery. Wishing you all a tiptoptastic weekend full of fun and laughter x

5 comments:

  1. Oh Kat big hugs xx Unfortunatly sometimes we just get days or weeks where we can't seem to function anymore. The other day I just sat there and felt like I couldn't do this anymore.
    There's not much I can say other than it must be hard having someone in your space and you feel like you can't just kick back and face your feelings. I recommend writing yourself a letter wrote whatever you want and read it back try to look at it with a what can I do about this then attitude...
    I hope you're okay lots of love xxxxx

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  2. Hello Kat. I really feel for you. You have been sounding so much happier so this must feel awful. I wonder if it connected with the stress of having someone else in your house and also the excitement of having the Corporal home? Extra stresses can make you slip back into crapness. I am sure this will be a temporary blip and you will continue on your road to recovery. Maybe see your doctor anyway. I am thinking of you and send you big hugs. And virtual chocolate. Take care lovely girl. Sarah x

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  3. Sounds like you need some respite. If there is anyway you can get it, don't feel guilty, take it. Ask a favour, get a babysitter. Its hard for us mums to have respite. I have the same problem and there I times I fee like I'll lose my mind, especially as you say its hard to totally relax. I hope you can find a resolution soon.

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  4. Thank you all for your lovely comments and support. I am going to write a few things down later just to unscramble them from my addled brain. Big hugs and thanks, Kat xxx

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  5. Thank you all for your lovely comments and support. I am going to write a few things down later just to unscramble them from my addled brain. Big hugs and thanks, Kat xxx

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