As you may have gathered we went away on holiday last week. Whilst entertaining little beans, trying to catch up on sleep and spend a bit of time with my husband, I also managed to see things from a different perspective. I have been finding life a bit tough again lately and being away gave me a chance to work out some of the reasons why.
When I started blogging it was a release for my muddled thoughts and a way to get things off my chest. I used it as an online diary so I could keep track of the progress I was making with my PND and possibly help others who had similar problems.
Having been away for a week without the ability to blog, I have realised how important it has become to me. I know I don't get the time to post every day like I used to but I still read what everyone is up to and write half a post whenever I can. I wrote some of this while I was away so I wouldn't forget it!
Apart from my husband, I don't really see anyone from one week to the next. My blog and Twitter are my links to the outside world so without them I feel quite isolated (as ironic as that sounds). I have friends I meet up with occasionally but some of them drifted away when my PND was bad and they didn't understand what was going on and I was in too much of a mess to explain. Through my blog and Twitter I have the pleasure of knowing some of the loveliest people and a couple of them I would class as friends. I think I could share anything with them without the fear of being judged. They give me a lift when I need it and also when I'm least expecting it! I shall move on before I digress further!
Basically, I use my blog and Twitter for company. My husband was out at work all day so I have been on my own with just the boys. I also joined postcrossing to exchange post cards around the world. From this I have found 3 penfriends which is great. I realise it is just replacing direct contact with people with something more remote.
This leads me on to my next discovery/admission. I am a bit of a recluse, well, quite a lot of a recluse actually. I once spent a month house sitting for a friend in the middle of Bodmin Moor. The nearest shop was 10 miles away and the next door neighbour was a mile down the dual carriage way. It was sheer bliss!! The only person I spoke to other than my son, was the checkout lady at Tesco. I loved it. I felt so relaxed without the pressure of expectation or approval from others. It was the happiest I've ever been. I think this is the reason why I love living here so much and also why I don't feel that lonely. I have you guys after all!!
Things with my husband have become a bit run of the mill lately too. We don't spend much time together as we don't seem to have much in common. He was busy with the retail business world and I was busy with the babies, neither of us having much idea what each day was like for the other. We talked about it while we were away. I felt he had become disconnected and not really interested in anything that happened at home. He admitted to feeling bored with everything and it was getting him down. We are both really tired but while I just fall asleep come 9.30pm he couldn't sleep through work pressures and the boys waking him up. We ended up sleeping in separate rooms for a while so we could both sleep better (he snores like a pneumatic drill!). All that happened there was, I got up with the boys every night = shattered and he still couldn't sleep well through stress = shattered. It also made us feel more distant from each other so it actually made things worse! He also said he was finding the boys really hard work as they don't really listen to him, they just muck about a lot. Not having been around them during the day he doesn't understand Chaos all the time, so they both get frustrated with each other. Kids take a bit longer to do everything but I think my husband forgets that and tries to rush them which ends up in another battle.
We are back in the same room now. My husband is starting his part time hours this week so will be home a lot more. This will make a big difference I'm sure. He has been asleep since 7:30pm and that NEVER happens, so he is obviously feeling a bit better about things already! He has worked all weekend and I have really missed him for the first time in ages. It makes me quite sad to say that but happy as it means things are moving the right way.
We have talked about how best to cope with the boys and that is a work in progress. I bought a parenting magazine for the first time while we were away. I found some great ideas in there and am still reading it. My husband had a look through and agreed that it was helpful. He didn't realise parenting magazines were like that, he thought they were full of articles on women moaning about their kids ha ha!!
I also came to realise how much my boys love being outside! Chaos was in his element running about for 5 hours in the wildlife park. Squish was quite happy in the buggy and equally so when we took him on the slides and swings. I am going to try to make more of an effort to take them out more often as I realise I have been at home far too much with them lately.
I think I will also make up a few games to play with Chaos as he is so quick to learn new things. He can recite the days of the week, count to five and knows 8 different colours. His vocabulary should be 20 words for his age but his is over 200 and he is making 6 or 7 word sentences. Smart cookie huh?! No wonder he's hard work, he's bored. I know, I get it now!
My little Squish could do with some more attention too so I am going to take him to some of the toddler groups I used to take Chaos to so that he can socialize a bit more. He is quite nervous and jumpy around strangers and cries if they pick him up. I'm sure he will benefit from some one to one time too as Chaos does tend to steal the limelight and his toys!
That will do for now. I'm glad I have unloaded that little lot into the ether. For me, our week away was definitely a success and I feel more enlightened if not revitalised!