Over You

This is something I have been thinking about a lot lately. When do you know you are over someone? Is there a minimum time or do you just know? Does it depend how long you were with the other person? Whether you were married or not? If you have children? Do any of these things actually make a difference?

You know what I think? I think it depends how long it takes not to feel attached to that person any more. My husband moved out three months ago. That isn't very long I know but the amount of things that have happened in that time have just served to widen the gap between us. The way he has reacted and some of the things he has said have been utterly heartless and shocking. Although they cut through me at the time it has made me feel less for him.

Over the last few weeks, I have seen him in a totally different light. Looking at our relationship from a different angle has made me realise how much I have put up with over the years. He has lied about many things, had secret meetings with women that he claims were innocent, he's been violent and aggressive, he's left home at least once every year we've been together, he's got us into debt which will take years for me to pay off, hes not that interested in the children and to top it all said for the last few years, he's only been here because he thought the kids would be taken into care due to my pnd.

For me, to know he has only been here for the kids has put a new perspective on our whole relationship. My happy memories are shattered because part of what made them wonderful was thinking we felt the same way at that specific moment. Now I realise that we didn't. I wonder how he could pretend to love me and be my husband. I feel totally deceived and doubt I could ever trust anyone again. I wonder when the pretence started. I wonder when he started wanting to be elsewhere, when did I stop being a priority?

Knowing this makes me want to put the whole thing behind me and concentrate on my children. Instead of looking back at our marriage as a happy time, now I feel sadness for something that never was. Its like landing your dream job only to realise, a few years down the line, that its not all its cracked up to be and they lied at the interview.

I suppose this makes it much easier to walk away. How can you grieve for something that never was? The saddest thing for me is three children are going to grow up without their Dad at home. Three children will want to know what happened and why he left which may affect their opinion of him. My daughter's first impression of men wont be someone to rely on. My Dad is my hero as he always wades in and saves the day. I'm heartbroken that she wont have that feeling with her Dad. I have noticed a special bond developing between her and my eldest son. To be honest, he is a far better role model and will be there for her anytime. He feels the same way about her although I'm not sure he would admit it!

Where to go from here? I am actually quite excited about the future. I have a new sense of freedom even though I'm more tied down now, being the sole carer of four children. I am now able to make more plans as I dont have to consider anyone else. This also means I have slightly more money as I don't have any surprise payments to make or another adult to pay for if we go anywhere. It also means I have a free babysitter! I have booked myself onto a course next year with a friend, which will be amazing. I also want to take my bike test next year and do a falconry course. Much to look forward to!