Bloggin Reason

As its my first proper post, I feel I should explain why I'm writing a blog.

We have had quite a busy few months leading up to where we are now. We moved house in November when I was 8 months pregnant. My husband could only get that day off work so most of it was down to me. We then had to decorate the boys bedrooms as they were in a state so we were on a tight schedule as baby was coming on the 1st December! So, what with Christmas and my oldest sons birthday it has been quite non stop.



I suffer with anxiety which can be very difficult to live with. There are days when I can't face leaving the house, I am totally overwhelmed and feel totally unable to cope with even the smallest problems.I have been told many times that everyone gets anxious but this is different. Its like a phobia in a way, an irrational fear that you cant overcome, which induces panic and abnormal behaviour for the individual. It produces an adrenalin high which can last several days or longer which then leaves you exhausted and less able to cope so the minute you recharge your batteries a little bit the whole cycle starts again. That's how it is for me anyway.

The short of it is, a few weeks ago it all came to a head and I had some kind of break down. I didn't really know what was happening. I thought the boys had been taken away (they were downstairs) and I was beside myself, not knowing what to do. Apparently, I did some crying, wailing and running from room to room before collapsing in an exhausted heap where I slept for a while. I still don't remember much about it.

So now I'm on the slow road to recovery. I have occasional good days, some really tough days but generally I just have days. I feel like it has been going on for so long now that I have to do something. I wrote to the Samaritans yesterday as I wanted some reassurance that people weren't going to swoop in and take my boys while I'm not looking, if I did ask for help. They suggested I consider getting help as there may be more than just medication that could help. I did feel a bit better after explaining how I felt in the email too. Writing has always been a great way for me to get things off my chest as I hate to bore people with my ramblings (I can stick to a theme for days sometimes!) so writing means no-one has to listen and I can ramble on guilt free. Happy days!  I also thought there must be lots of other people out there in a similar position to me. Maybe it will help to know they are not alone. That there is another Mum out there going quietly nuts while the world carries on oblivious....

Another reason to write this is to come out of hiding. I haven't told many people that I have anxiety as I don't think its very well understood and generally people don't want to hear that you might be different and act a bit odd sometimes. They don't know how to cope with it. Either that or I get the brush off and told its not that bad so don't worry so much.
I have also come to realise that hiding it actually adds to the daily stress. Its really difficult just to make eye contact and talk to someone when all you want to do is run and hide under the duvet!! If I'm going to beat this thing I need to fully accept this is how I am. I cant hide away forever. If I cant accept how I am, I can't then expect other people to accept me either.
It may seem odd putting it on here first before telling people I know. It's almost like testing the water I suppose. Daft really as I know it's going to be a mixed bag of reactions. Still, we shall wait and see!