Shit, Fuck and Buggery Bollocks!!!! Day 34

If there is one wish I could have granted right now, it would be to have a day off. Just to say Fuck it to the whole damn lot of it. So I don't have to worry about anyone else. I can just curl up in a cozy ball under the duvet with 7 million bags of jellies and read all the blogs I can before my eyes fall out from over use!

I read a blog last night by SAHD and proud (Oh just fuck off) and it really made sense to me. I totally understand that sometimes all you want to do is sit and cry. I'm like that today. I have no idea why or what I'm crying about but I know I could do it all day, no sweat. It's quite lucky that the Big One has his mate over so I'm trying really hard not to be his mental, totally embarrassing Mum. Even luckier was the fact they were still in bed when I was in a heap on the kitchen floor this morning. I wish this thing would just fuck off!!!

My husband talked about handing in his notice to help me at home as I'm not coping too well. The guilt!! I would love it if he was here every day, there is nothing Id want more believe me! I don't think it is the answer though. He is great at his job and he loves it. He could make a great career doing it and I would hate for him to bin that off just for me. If I was better in 6 months he would wonder what the hell he had done and may not get another job like it that he loves so much. He may resent me for it too, understandably.

I wish it was all easier. And I wish someone would take the bloody vice off my head before my eyes pop out of their sockets!!! I have taken the higher dose today for the first time. I really hope it helps. Oh god I want to cry again. WTF??!  Ok let me think of something else for a minute....
Oh my wonderful husband is going to write a post on here to explain what life is like for him. A view from the other side sort of thing. I would love to hear what it's really like without it being censored for me. It must be hell for him. Leaving a happy wife in the morning (occasionally it happens!) and coming home to a weeping wailing zombified mess in the evening. I think I'd hate it so great Kudos to him and all the other partners out there quietly supporting (and probably wondering WTF they got themselves into!) I honestly wonder how he can still love me when Im like this. I'm nuts. I even piss myself off! How can he put up with it? Especially when there are younger, prettier, firmer and saner ladies out there to choose from. *Gasps* Maybe he's quietly nuts too!!!

My eyes are aching like mad from crying and staring at this screen. I might just sod off and spread the gloom elsewhere. Sorry for a totally miserable post. Maybe I'll get my shit together for tomorrow. I hope so. Oh no!! Just realised I'm going to see the Corporal for the last time tomorrow before she flies off to start her post in Cyprus (must not cry, must not cry again, sob, sniff) Oh I give up, hankies at the ready.

I just realised, to have shadows there needs to be a little light. Unfortunately, todays black clouds have blocked that out. I think I'll have my shadows back now thank you, please!