The Big One stayed at his Dads last weekend. I must point out now that we have totally different parenting ideas. His, I think, stem from him only ever being an absent father. His opinion is he doesn't see them for long (he has an 18 yr old daughter as well) so doesn't want to be seen as an authoritarian figure. He once told me he wants to be mates with his kids and I can totally understand this, to a point. Surely there is a time where you have to exercise some responsibility? I shall explain....
On Saturday night, he allowed the Big One to stay at his mates house so he could go to the pub (my sons words). As it turns out, this mate was in fact, my sons ex girlfriend. There was another boy and girl that stayed too. They slept in the lounge and were cooked breakfast in the morning by her Mum.
It all sounds very cool and relaxed but the thing that keeps screaming round my head is HE'S 12! If he was at home he knows damn well I wouldn't have let him stay over and he probably wouldn't have even bothered asking.
This has made me question my opinions and values. Personally, I don't like the idea of boys staying at girls houses at this age. They are taught way too much about sex in schools (starting in primary schools I may add!) and not given the chance to be young innocent kids. Maybe I am just old fashioned but it wasn't the done thing when I was his age, plus boys were gross at 12 back then!
Should I be more flexible in my opinions? Should he be able to stay with girls? Am I too old fashioned? I would like to think that her parents are responsible and have instilled that in their daughter. The problem is, with so many parents that don't give a rats ass where their kids are or what they are doing, how can you tell? I know my son is sensible but he is at the mercy of testosterone. His voice is starting to break and he's at THAT age where it all goes Pete Tong for a few teenage years. To be honest, I wasn't expecting this situation quite so soon. Another sign of the times I guess. To me he is still my little man (he's an old soul) and although he is my height now, it's still hard to grasp that he's growing up bloody fast! Way too fast for my liking! He still sleeps with the light on in his room and covers the tv in his room with a towel at night as the shapes in it scare him. Now you can see why I am slightly stunned to be dealing with this now.
I must point out that I haven't said anything about this to him. It was his Dads decision to let him stay there. I was surprised when he told me, as was my husband, but we didn't tell him off for it. It is also really hard when his Dad does things like this as it is purely for his own benefit coupled with parental point scoring (and yes he is that shallow!) GRRRRR!!
I would love to hear your opinions on this. Do you think 12 is too young for mixed sleepovers or am I stuck in the dark ages??
It's difficult. You would probably be fine with a 5yo boy and girl sharing a room, or a pair of 20-somethings. The tweenage and teenage years are more difficult. An outright ban could be like saying 'I don't trust you not to do something sexual.' Ultimately only you can know how much you trust your own child.
ReplyDeleteI don't agree with you about teaching too much about sex. There's a big difference between knowing and doing. Schools in countries like Sweden have much more explicit sex ed lessons, yet lower rates of teen pregnancy.
Personally I wish I'd had some sex ed at primary school. I was nearly 12 before I knew girls had any 'private parts' at all. That's not a good thing.
Thank you for your comment James. You have made me think about this in more detail which has brought me to a conclusion. I think there should be a period where mixed sleepovers should be discouraged. I shall try to explain.
DeleteChildrens relationships begin with friends. They are friends or not - simple. Teenagers start "seeing" each other and may develop a more physical relationship. I feel it will help define the difference between these two stages if mixed sleepovers are stopped. This age is confusing enough without adding more complications. For example,
would a lad know that his girlfriend wouldn't like him sleeping at her best friends house? What's the problem? He's slept at her house up until now...
No, I don't think you are old-fashioned or should loosen up as I do not think this is appropriate at this age. But I have to be honest and I am not a big fan of any kinds of sleepovers as you just never know who is in the house.
ReplyDeleteBut yes- when they are at these ages better to be safe than sorry- crazy age for kids
I have a 13 year old boy and no, I will not be letting him go to/have any sleepovers at a girls house. In fact, I don't think he's ever had a sleepover at a girls house (he has at male friends who have sisters, but it's been a good couple of years since he's had a sleepover). I think when they get to the age of having 'girlfriends' then it's not right for them to have a sleepover with the opposite sex.
ReplyDeleteI find that men do not work on the same wavelength as us women and your ex probably wouldn't see anything wrong with it as a) there were a few friends there, not just your son and the girl and b) if he's anything like my hubby, at 12, they wouldn't have thought of it in any sexual way. I think men forget that children these days are much more grown up than what we were at that age.
However, all that being said, if your son knows that the sleepover is something that you wouldn't approve of and wouldn't dream of even asking you, then your son is also taking advantage of your ex's lack of restrictions. Maybe the words should be with your son as well as the ex?
I must amend this post slightly. Since writing I have discovered that my son told his Dad he was staying at his mates up the road. He had spent the whole day with a boy so his Dad naturally assumed he was staying at his house.
ReplyDeleteMy son openly admitted that he didn't say he was sleeping at a girls house so I told him I wouldn't have let him. After talking to his Dad he said he wouldn't have let him stay there either. I feel slightly more at ease about it now as it was my little bugger pulling a fast one. I'm so glad I asked before I had a rant at his Dad for being irresponsible, again!
Thank you for all your comments, they have been ver thought provoking and much appreciated xx