Friday, 31 August 2012

Favourites

Do you have a favourite? It is one of those things that is deeply frowned upon. I am talking about children. Your children. Do you have a favourite? Is there one that springs to mind just by reading that? I'm guessing there probably is in most cases. Don't worry I won't tell anyone, your secret is safe with me.
I have thought about this quite a lot and I have come to the conclusion children are rather like your friends. Some are great for sympathy, some are great for nights out, others are highly motivated and leave you shattered just trying to keep up with the conversation! It is very hard if you have a child who is highly motivated and a parent who generally isn't, for example. The child may then be classed as "hard work" or "Hyper". I have seen this a lot in kids. The parents sit about chatting while the kids get bored and start getting into trouble or making a mess. I digress...

I have been thinking about parents that favour one child over another recently and I wonder how that can be?  It would be like choosing one bar of chocolate over another. They have similarities and you love them both but how can you pick a favourite?
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I have three boys. They are all lovely, helpful and good looking. They all make me laugh, they all drive me mad, they all make a mess and they all give great hugs. If you asked me to choose which one was my favourite, which one I loved the most I would have to say.... ummm... . nope, I can't choose. To me it's like saying, if you could only keep one which one would it be. Call me greedy but I want them all thanks. I went through hell to get 'em and I'm damn well keepin' 'em!!

I know some people have favourites. Maybe they can't help it. Maybe they are just so similar that they naturally get on perfectly together. There may be a strong bond after a bad incident that makes them closer, I don't know. I have seen favouritism so often it is more common than people may realise. The only problem I have is when it becomes obvious to the other child. That is heart breaking to watch. Knowing that in one persons eyes you are never going to measure up, whatever you do. You will never be as good as your sibling. I have seen this and the effects are devastating. Confidence is crushed and any self worth disappears out of the window. The worst thing is, there is nothing you can do about it. You can't stop it happening. Other than advise the offender that they are having a detrimental effect on the child. Other than that you just have to watch and pick up the pieces.

The Big Ones father has a Daughter too. She is 19 and Big calls her the Princess. She gets whatever she wants and he has become more aware of it over the last few years. I must say he does get on with the Princess so it's not that there is any hatred between them.
He used to be fed up whenever she came to pick him up for a visit as his Dad would pretty much ignore him and do whatever Princess wanted to do. He wondered what was so special about her and not about him. Why does she get an Ipad for Christmas and he has to pay the delivery for his scooter himself? These are the questions I can't answer. He asked his Dad last night if they could buy him some new trainers as his have holes in. His Dad said to ask me for some of the maintenance as he has a holiday to pay for. (That annoyed me a bit. We get £36 a week from him. How far does he think that goes?? Another post, another time!)

I have sat with Big countless times when he has come home crying, wanting to know what he's done wrong and why he's not good enough. What can I tell him? He is good enough but his Dad is a twat? In the end I  told him he had to either accept the situation or not go round there anymore. It was as upsetting for me as it was for him. I couldn't bear seeing him so upset every bloody week, it was heart breaking.
I think he has got used to it now and knows not to expect much from his Dad. I'm not saying it doesn't still upset him, I know it does and probably always will. He has learnt to accept the situation a bit more. I have tried to explain it is his fathers failing and not his but being his Mum, my word counts for nothing.

I suppose I am lucky that I don't have this problem. I love my boys equally but for different reasons, if that makes sense.
Chaos is the dare devil and I love that about him. He has no fear and has the confidence to walk up to anyone and chat to strangers. I am a little envious of that self assurance if I'm honest. He is also head strong and wants his own way. He can throw some awesome strops if he can't get what he wants. (Doesn't work with me though!)
Squish is my little cutie. He is a softy and smiles all the time. He is just pure joy to have around. I love that he is a bit quieter than Chaos. He is a  bit of a pain at bedtime and takes ages to go to sleep. He also wriggles like mad while you're trying to do his nappy which can have gruesome
Th Big One is the quiet, sensitive thinker. He is the engineer so I think he will be the bike fixer and mender amongst them. He is also a bit of a pain and turned into a teenager overnight. He gets all stroppy and just grunts at me most of the time.
They are all different but I still love them the to end of the earth and back.
Do you have a favourite?\ I wont judge you!! I have a favourite but they seem to change several times throughout the day!




3 comments:

  1. Really sorry to read about the Big One's problem with his dad and sister, you handled it very well, and he just needs to know that you love him, despite what he does as his hormones take over.
    My four boys are all adults now, and I love them all dearly, they all have their own personalities and behaviours, and thankfully all get on well together. The older two, by my first marriage, are now able to look back and realize that their father was a twat, but its not easy for someone so young, he'll learn as he grows.

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    1. Thanks Joy, it is so nice to hear that from someone who has come out the other side! Big is more realistic these days and has much lower expectations of his Dad. It doesn't make him unlovable, it just makes his Dad a twat! I love your comments, thank you xxx

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  2. It is hard. My eldests dad always used to take her on holiday, but since he and his wife had heir second baby they stopped. Betsy is upset and hurt, and he has never explained why. I assume it is financial- but he could at least talk to her about it!

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