Heartbroken

This morning I'm in pieces. Squish had a bad night and was up until 3am. That in itself is shattering but on top of that I was hit by a heartbreaking reality.
I am no longer the "Go To" parent. During Squishys midnight wails, my husband left the room for a few minutes and I was unable to comfort Squish. It wasn't me he cried for, it was my husband.

I'm not stupid, I realised there was a strong chance this would happen, I just didn't expect it so soon or so suddenly. I love all my boys massively but Squish has always been a Mummys boy. Probably because he is the baby and our last. He has always followed me everywhere, come to me when he's upset and sat next to me for everything.

That's why last night I realised what this job has cost me. Watching my baby snuggle into his Daddys neck was very comforting yet heart shattering at the same time. I am glad both boys have settled into their new routine without too much upset. They are both happy little chaps and my husband is enjoying his new role as well.

I know we need this job, I enjoy it, the money will be a great help each month but I can't help feeling it has come at a great personal cost to me. I feel like I have lost the close bond I had with Squish and I can't get that back now, I feel out of touch when I come home. I can no longer tell instantly what mood the boys are in and how best to deal with them. I feel almost like a visitor in my own home. I realise this is all part of the adjustment process but it's a bit like being cast aside and I am no longer the one with all the answers.

Today, my husband is at work so I have the day alone with my babies. I am going to clean up the garden so they can play out there on nice days, with their tractors.I want to make every time I am with them special so they realise I miss them madly every second I'm not with them.