This post may be a little raw but I need to get this stuff off my chest. I am sooo mad right now. SO MAD! And hurt and upset and disappointed and deflated and miserable but still mad and a little bit more heartbroken....
My husband has just been round. Jeez, he seriously has no fucking idea what he's doing. Doing to any of us! I haven't seen him since Friday. He came over to stay with the boys while I took Big to school as they were still asleep. BIG mistake! He was with them all of an hour before shouting and scaring them again. I was in the other room at the time. Chaos pushed Squish so my husband told him not to. I could hear them from the kitchen. Chaos must have done it again because my husband repeated "Don't push him." Silence... Then he bellowed "DON'T BLOODY PUSH HIM!!" With that both boys started screaming. Chaos was against the far wall and Squish ran over to me. They both curled up on my lap sobbing their hearts out.
We had a great weekend and went to the farm, then the market on Sunday. They have had a great two days with my Mum and Dad, going for walks, shopping and playing in Victoria Park in Bath. They are calm again. They don't fight they play together and laugh and share toys and biscuits.
Squish doesn't seem to be too affected at the disappearance of his Father and hasn't mentioned him. Chaos is a different boy. He is clingy and emotional. He has lost his hero, along with his appetite and his ability to sleep through the night. He has nightmares and has developed croup again so coughs a lot of the night. He is usually in my bed by the morning. He needs to know where we are all the time and hates me taking the car unless I tell him where I'm going and assure him that I'm coming back. If I mention his Dad he gets very quite and asks for his cloth or goes to find it. He says he doesn't want to see Daddy as he shouts all the time. Who can blame him quite honestly.
With all that in mind, this is what my husband has been up to since Friday. He worked Friday night, probably until about 3am. He then worked Saturday night, then stayed in the place all night for a lock in. He got a bus to his Dads to give him his Fathers Day card. He then went back to where he's staying until going to work for another all night shift. I'm not sure what he did yesterday as I didn't hear much from him but he worked all night again last night. He then had 4 hours sleep and carried on with his day. He wondered why I was mad at him and why I thought he wasn't taking things seriously. He taking the pills so he's trying to get better.
Is it just me? Am I being totally unreasonable? Are his pills fucking MAGIC????? Sorry, but where I come from you have to eat and sleep a regular amount to allow your body to stand the chance of healing itself. Pills or no miracle flamin pills! Is he really that much of a twat he doesn't realise this?? You may have gathered but compassion has just left the building... Initially, I wanted to help him out as much as I could. I gave him money, paid his fuel to work, fed him, gave him lifts and went to appointments with him. But now I just feel like he's taking the mick. He's spent all his money, he's done nothing about getting a bike or somewhere to live. I am so mad at him that losing his boys isn't enough for him to make the bloody effort. It is truly heartbreaking watching my poor little Chaos suffer so much then for him to turn up and be totally unconcerned about what he's doing to the poor kid. I am supposed to meet him at the soft play center tomorrow so he can see the boys in a stress free environment but I am seriously wondering if it is a good idea or not. I don't want Chaos to be even more upset but I don't want to leave it too long so they lose their bond altogether. My poor little Chaos, he is so upset. I'm not sure what to do for the best.
For the hurt he has caused Chaos I would have told him to fuck off out of it if he wasn't his Dad. He is though, so I can't. Tempting, but wrong. I could happily smack him with a mallet if I thought it would knock some sense into him. Not seeing them on Fathers Day?! Even a call would have been something! It's like he's walked out and forgotten they exist. Heartbreaking for everyone.
O sweetheart... what can anyone say? All I can think is that he is mentally ill so it is probably hard for him to think of anybody else but himself. Not trying to excuse his behaviour but the illness is probably making him not be like himself - does that make sense?
ReplyDeleteI think the most important thing you can do is be there for your children and think about their welfare rather than his. He's an adult, they're children and need a responsible adult for their care. They're so small, they won't understand at all what's going on and it'll be confusing enough for them without him shouting at them too. Would it be better if his contact with them is with an extra adult there - so you and your parents for example? Or as you say here, in a public space?
Has he just been given pills or will he go for counselling too?
Oh blimey. Thats rough.I second what Cybele said. Anger is a sign of his depression but the boys are your priority. Having other adults there when he visits sounds good. I feel for you. Keep strong. X
ReplyDeleteAgain, while you don't really know me, I know what you're going through. His depression makes it difficult for him to see beyond the plain of his own world. Not excusing him, but separation and time are the only thing that will keep your world at peace. Focus on your world, take care of the the kids first. Re-integrate him later when he's feeling better. Short visits, don't burden the dynamic by expecting "normal" interaction. The kicker of all of this, you have to be the strong one, which is totally unfair I know. However, this places the power to drive your own happiness in your hands. You will not find it anywhere except within you. Once you're independent of what defines a "normal marriage" - you're free to pursue the things that will work best for your family. Finally, remember I said the meds will work, and then not work? The pill trials will be a particularly difficult period to get through. Testing just the right type and dosage. Again unfortunately, only someone who is an outside party can see the effect; so you have to be brave and tell him to go away when it's clear he's not in control. Tip: my husband and I did daily gauge checks. Scale 1 - 10... how "good" (non anxious, sad etc.) was he feeling? 1=Bad 1=Good. We agreed a 6 and under, I left him alone to himself. Over six, he agreed to participate in life. I had to do a lot of explaining to friends, and I felt it was 'freaking ridiculous' that I had to give up what I considered normal activities (holidays, birthdays) during that period of time. That's all changed... it took a while. We're back to "normal"... just be patient.
ReplyDeleteI've not popped by in a while, I didn't know you were going through this. I can imagine how difficult its for you can scary for the kids. I hope you are able to find help and guidance to assist you all through this challenging time. Thinking of you all.
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