Suffering

Yesterday I met my husband and we took the boys to soft play. The boys love it there and while we obviously have to supervise them, it is a lot easier than having to occupy them at home. I took this time to see how my husband is doing. Basically, he's suffering.

My last post seems completely irrelevant now. I know I was just tired and annoyed by our lack of "normal" at the moment. It is tough and I was just letting of some steam as I have nowhere else to vent it really.

Yesterday, I saw the effect of the "Shadows" from a different perspective. I spent time with a man but he wasn't my husband. It was heartbreaking. He is pale and obviously worn out. His eyes are bloodshot, watery  and empty. He has lost all his sparkle, I'm not even sure that he smiled. Not a genuine, happy smile. He is suffering and the worst thing is not being able to help him.

I can't tell you what a battle I have internally over this. Imagine, your husband is in a situation where he needs you most. He is unable to care for himself as he is too ill and needs looking after. He needs guidance and instruction on the simplest things as his "How to.." manual is temporarily unavailable. He needs you more than he ever has but what do you do?

You ask him to leave.

He goes out into a world where he has nobody to tell him he needs to go to sleep or he needs to eat. He is just out there, wandering blindly, hoping that he will get better. He needs me now more than ever and I feel I have failed him. He did all of these things and more when I was ill. I feel the absolute worst for not doing the same for him. In sickness and in health....

But... His temper is a danger to my babies and I can't have that. This is the impossibility of the situation. I know what care he needs as I've been exactly where he is now but I can't risk him being around the boys with his temper. Effectively, I have had to choose between the love of my life and my babies. I am fighting every fibre that wants to bring him home and look after him and love him. God, I miss him.

I remember him telling me how hard it was seeing me become someone else. Seeing my lack of interest or happiness in anything. I remember the lengths he used to go to to try and make me smile. I realise now, but at the time I just wondered what the hell he was doing. Surely, I should be doing all this for him now. I WANT to be the one to do this for him. I want him to get better but I'm not sure he will on his own.

I hope you read this Ant. I hope you know that this situation is as tough for me as it is for you. I miss you so much but as much as I want to help you and be there for you, I have to do what is right for all of us.
I love you infinitely. You are the other half of me and I can't wait to be whole again. I miss you, you crazy ginger fool xx