I am actually lost for words. I was going to write a post to get everything out of my head but I'm here at the laptop and there is nothing. Do you ever have news that completely knocks you sideways and you become stunned? That's me right now. Stunned.
Over the last few weeks I have made allowances for my husband. I have fought with my instincts to keep him away from the boys. I have tried to ensure they all still see each other in a stress free environment so the boys associate him with fun instead of fear. Also, so my husband doesn't get stressed and feel the need to shout at them. It hasn't been easy but I wanted to give our family some hope of getting back together again.
Today has made me realise what a fool I have been. I have made so many excuses for him it's almost hard to stop now. The truth is he isn't that bothered about not seeing the boys. I know that now. They are a nice idea when there is nothing more exciting going on but they certainly aren't worth putting himself out for.
He has to see the police to give his statement. I believe this report is then given to social services so they can decide what happens about his access to the boys. Pretty important stuff. The sooner it is done the sooner we reach an outcome. Instead of seeing them as soon as possible, he has put it off until he comes back from Birmingham in a couple of days.
Now you might think I'm over reacting about a couple of days and you might be right but bear in mind, I have to listen to my two boys crying about seeing their Daddy. I have to make excuses about where he is and why he doesn't come to see them. Nursery told me Squish keeps saying "Daddy is gone" and what should they tell him. Chaos has to be reassured all the time that he is not going to be left behind and anyone who leaves is coming back. Generally they both sleep with me as they wake up crying for company.
Over the last few weeks I have also had to listen to my husband telling me he misses them and can't wait to see them. I also hear about how he didn't make it to his counselling session and now has to wait 2 weeks for the next one. How he was going to come and see the boys but decided to work instead. How his pills have run out but he hasn't bothered to pick up any more. I suggested writing to Chaos or drawing him pictures so he knew his Daddy was thinking of him. He hasn't bothered even though he said it was a good idea.
I can't make excuses for him anymore. He isn't ill he just doesn't care. He doesn't care enough to do anything about changing the situation. He hasn't done anything about finding somewhere to live. He had to borrow money from his Uncle to buy a car even though he is earning plenty and has no bills. I could go on but what's the point. I realise now how foolish I've been. From now on I am going to concentrate on my boys, they are what's important here.
Oh Kat.You have not been foolish. You have tried to be the best wife and mum you can be and you have done the right thing at every turn.Don't beat yourself up.Thinking of you. Sarah x
ReplyDeleteNow social services are involved, make sure you take advantage of any help they offer. They may be able to help you and your boys get through this in a positive way. You have been nothing but supportive, don't blame yourself xxx
ReplyDeleteO Kat, you're not foolish! You're trying to do the best you can for everybody. I think it's sensible to concentrate on you and the boys though - your husband needs to want to be helped and it doesn't sound like he does at the moment. I think he needs professional help and once he has that, then you can be there for support, but while he's not helping himself, there isn't much you can do. Frustrating! but you have two confused little boys who need their mummy to be strong for them and provide stability. I can't say anything useful about Social Services, I've never had anything to do with them so can't say anything wise about that. Just be gentle on yourself - are your parents around or a friend who maybe sometimes can take care of the boys so you can have a little bit of time to yourself? Even if it's just for a bath and a cup of tea. Above all, don't blame yourself - you've done nothing wrong.
ReplyDeleteI just wanted to echo what everyone else has said above. My heart goes out to you, with all you have had happening lately. I know how hard it is for me when my husband is away for a week coping with the kids on my own so I can only imagine the stress you are under with your situation.... being in limbo and feeling alone. We are all here for you, if you need support. Ditto what Cybele above said, its not your fault, you are just trying to be the best mum you can be and for what its worth, I think you are doing a bloody good job. Try to be proud of yourself and give yourself a pat on the back! I also agree with the last comment about trying to have a little bit of time to yourself. Even if its just half an hour to have some peace and quiet. Your husband needs to sort himself out and get his priorities right. It sounds to me like he hasn't admitted to himself right now the level of his problems. He may be in denial and as said above, there is nothing you can do right now other than just be there for your children. Sending you a massive virtual hug. xxxx
ReplyDeleteKat if there is a fool in this story then I know who I think it is....and it isn't you. Your husband is clearly very unwell, and as you know (and I do) that healing process has to come from a desire within him; not for you or for the children - he's past that point - he has to find that 'want' to be better in himself. Until then, you are completely right to focus on your boys, and to also focus on yourself. Be kind and gentle with yourself my lovely friend, you are doing an amazing job at keeping your children together. Stay strong and if you feel weak, reach out to us and let us give you some of our strength for a little while. Sending you a huge huge hug xx
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