Responsible

Through the events of the last few months I have been worrying about the effect it has had on the boys and how I am going to cope with everything on my own. Selfishly, I haven't really given much thought to my husband. His life now is a walk in the park in comparison to mine. He only has himself to look after (and his Step Mum does most of that for him) so I have just brushed off any comments he has made about struggling with this. Coz his battle can't be as bad as mine, right?!

Sometimes, I am shocked at myself. He is my husband. How could I just brush off his concerns and troubles so easily. What kind of wife does that?! Not a very compassionate one, that's for sure! 

I heard a song on the radio this morning. I've heard it before but today it got me thinking differently about things.

It made me realise my part in the way things have turned out. Before my husband moved out I didn't pay him much attention. I had just got a new job and was enjoying the freedom to use my brain for things other than daily routine and messy play. It wore me out and I worked at home to complete unfinished tasks from the day. If I wasn't working I was usually asleep. I had a sense of importance and I got a bit carried away by it. I did less and less at home. I spent even less time with my family so they in turn spent less time with me. My husband was doing everything at home then once the boys were in bed, threw himself into his writing to avoid being ignored by me for another night.

The poor man. No wonder he couldn't cope. He had nobody to help him. I certainly wasn't there and I bloody well should have been. Knowing the pitfalls of being the main parent, I should have looked out for him more. I should have listened a little bit harder when he said he couldn't cope. I should have watched the films or read his scripts or listened when he told me stuff about his day. No matter how significant it was. I realise now it's not what you are being told that matters. It is whether you listen that counts. I don't mean "Yes dear, that's lovely. Uh huh, ok great." I mean look at your partner, stop what you're doing and engage with them. Make them feel valued, worthy of your time. I'm ashamed to say I didn't do that for my husband. I didn't make him feel worthy or valued. I was quite horrible sometimes. Complaining about the way he did things. Not because it didn't work but just that it was different to my way.

Unfortunately, I have realised all too late the difference I could have made in preventing this horrendous situation we find ourselves in. I could wish for a chance to turn the clock back and make the difference but that would be pointless. Here is where we are and here is where we have to go from. All I can do now is make sure I never make the same mistake again.

"I should have bought you flowers and held your hand

Should have gave you all my hours when I had the chance....

Although it hurts I'll be the first to say

that I was wrong

Oh, I know I'm probably much to late 

to apologize for my mistakes...

But I just want you to know

I'd do all the things I should have done

when you were my man..."