Saturday 14 June 2014

That Old Familiar Feeling...

It's amazing how you can get so engrossed in day to day life and other things go unnoticed. Has that ever happened to you? Happily getting through the day to day until something happens that makes you realise things aren't quite right. That was me yesterday.

Today I have woken up to the realisation that things may not be quite right. I suppose the signs have been there but initially it's easy to put it down to something else. The odd emotional outburst could be hormones or lack of sleep. Could be the effort of entertaining two toddlers with sciatica at 5 months pregnant. There are lots of things it could be.
Today, I think it may be something else. Something a bit darker that hides where you can't see it. That saps your energy and positive thoughts. That is invisible to anyone but you.

The Shadows

I suddenly recognized my thought patterns this morning and that's when it hit me. They're back. Loitering about, waiting to strike at any moment.

Yesterday was a particularly tough day with Chaos. Some of his old behaviours have returned. I would imagine through boredom. It can't be fun for them being here with me all the time as much as I could do with an adult conversation once in a while. He was being generally naughty yesterday. Throwing juice on the floor, squashing fruit on the table, taking toys of his brother and putting them out of reach. Just being a pain really. My tolerance dropped to an all time low and I just put him to bed. I couldn't bear to be around him anymore. I wanted to do crafts with them for Father's Day but instead washed sofa cushions and the kitchen floor.

I realised I just wanted to curl up with Squish and indulge in his latest obsession of Toy Story (preferably on repeat!). I have lost enthusiasm to go out or try new things because it is always such a battle on my own and most of the time I just don't have the energy to keep up with them. Times like this I wonder how I am ever going to manage with three of them! I am hoping things will be different then, somehow. It makes me want to cry, a lot. What have I done?! I'm not sure I'm up to this...

I know what the problem is. I feel totally isolated. I have no friends with small children (except my Cupcake of course!). All my other friends have older kids so want to see me without mine. My parents are too old to cope with them for long and babysitting is generally out of the question. The only people I see to to talk to are the outreach worker from the children's centre, the nursery nurse, the health visitor and the people at my parenting group on a Friday. I had a small panic yesterday when they said the course ends next month. I won't have any regular adult conversation at all then!

I have small waves of positivity and I try to hang on to those. Last week we went to a play group for the first time. It was only for an hour but it got us out of the house. So I have that to look forward to on Monday. Tuesday Chaos is having a settling session at a new nursery. Wednesday our outreach worker is coming to help me make a complaint to Ofsted against the old nursery (which I'm a bit nervous about). Thursday will probably be another settling session for Chaos and Friday is my parenting group. I try to have something on each day if I can so that we all have something to look forward to. It helps to break the monotony too.

If anyone has any suggestions about how they cope with PND or  depression I'd love to hear them. This is an awful illness as it makes you feel so isolated. I know I am not the only one which helps. I am glad that in the few years since I started writing this blog, awareness and support has grown so much. My Twitter feed is full of PND support which is great! Together we can beat the goddamn shadows!!



1 comment:

  1. First of all you're very naughty for telling me not to read this, one thing about this illness is don't stop talking and I don't care if it's 1pm or 1am I am always there to kick those shadows asses with you.
    You're doing the right thing by planning, I am in similar situation as you know, sometimes it's a real push to get out other times I stay on my sofa but never beat yourself up.
    Get a house swap to Cornwall and we can just be done with our isolation haha love you lots xxx

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