Tuesday 2 June 2015

An Email

This morning started much like any other. Woken by my baby girl gurgling in her cot, followed by the inevitable racket downstairs of the three boys locked in dispute over whether biscuits are a suitable breakfast alternative if combined with a yoghurt.. I reluctantly haul myself out of bed, knowing the minute I walk in the door I shall be bombarded by questions and breakfast requests.
Having fended off the boys with cereal and fruit, I make milk for her and coffee for me then sit down to check my phone. An email pings from Pippa at Story of Mum asking "Am I happy?".  This is the thought that I have been mulling over for the last few hours. Am I happy? Here is what I have thought so far..

Looking back I was always the laid back, cheerful one that rarely lost my temper. Could hold a conversation on most things. Would turn out to help anyone should they need it and always be a listening ear/shoulder to cry on /hand to hold. I had time to follow my interests and meet with friends. To go out or away at a moments notice. No ties or responsibilities to speak of. 

Now I feel like I rarely have it together, my house is always a mess, we have always run out of something, I am late for most things, have no time to meet with friends or follow my interests as much as before. Hell, some weeks the only adults I talk to are the nursery carers! I shout, grit my teeth, pray to get through the next hour without walking out, I live on coffee and sugar highs most days but does this mean I'm unhappy now compared to my younger self? 

I think happiness is a state of mind. I think it is the outlook you were born with. I have always been hopeful and buoyant in temperament. I may flare up quickly but I say my piece and then I'm done. It's forgotten. 

How do you measure happiness? Is it by counting the number of things you would change if you could? By the number of moments in a day that leave you grinning from ear to ear? Maybe it is different for all of us. We all tolerate different things in our lives that our friends wouldn't and vice versa. 

So, am I happy? I can honestly say, there is nothing about my life right now that I would change. There are definitely things I am finding almost intolerable but I am also aware that it is developing my patience and perseverance. The better I am at overcoming these challenges, the better the example I set my children. 

Things that make my heart sing... 

Watching my daughters fingers twitch as she gently snores in her cot. 

Watching the boys play happily together like best friends. 

Seeing the amazing guy my eldest has turned into. 

Watching my dog bounce around the garden, unconcerned by her age. 

Sitting at night with a cup of tea, when they are all (finally) in bed. Listening to the snores, coughs and dreamy ramblings of the four most important people in my world. How could I not be happy with that.




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