16 tears... and the rest!

I just want to cry today and I have. Several times. I can't bloody do this every day, it's too much. Sometimes it's like groundhog day every day. I wake up in the morning and think "oh shit, here we go again." I feel so pathetic, that I can't just get on with it like everyone else.  The trouble is, after last weekend, I have made plans and now I don't think I'll have the energy for any of it.



The car is booked in to have some work done and has to be there at 8am, I'm going to meet my friend for a dog walk as it's her last weekend home before she is posted abroad and I'm going out Saturday night with my husband for our anniversary. I can't let any of them down but I just feel bloody exhausted and shit. I just want to cry every time I think about it. I took the dog out this morning in the hope it would make me feel better but it hasn't. Now I just feel sweaty, knackered and shit! Ha Ha!! Got to laugh really (before I forget how!).

Typical Chaos... He has just come in with a stinky nappy and wrapped himself up in the laptop cable just in case I was thinking of ignoring him at all. Gotta love him but sometimes he doesn't make it easy!!

Ok Chaos is in bed, Squish is sleeping, fed the dog, I have jellies and the kettle is on, Yay! I feel a bit better knowing I'm going to have a few minutes to myself just to be able to think straight.
It's funny, I used to whiz along quite happily doing several things at once never considering it would be any other way. Now my life is a series of moments to get through. For example, the kettle has just boiled so now I have to get off my arse and make tea. On days like today, just doing that takes a lot of motivation. Sad isn't it. I never would have thought, when I was whizzing along, that one day I would find it an effort just to make a cup of tea!!
Ahhhhh...... One cup of life preserving tea made and steaming. Hurrah for me!!
Ok so after nearly a bag of jellies and some peace I'm not feeling quite so bad. The vice on my head has loosened enough to let the blood flow again and my eyes don't feel like they are being squashed quite so hard, happy days.

Perfect.. Squish has just woken up. I should have known really. Somehow he always wakes up about 10 minutes after Chaos goes to bed. Coincidence?? I think not! It's a plan they have hatched together whilst watching cbeebies (only kidding. I'm not that paranoid... yet!). And not even a mouthful of hot tea. Here's to another cold cup then....

Back again! Just remembered, I had a big achievement yesterday. I took the boys to the Children's Center and had Squishy weighed. He is 7kg!! Chunky monkey! (That's over 16lb in real money) He is following his growth line though so he can't be that big for his age (15 weeks). I love him to squishy bits. He's so happy he always makes me smile. Maybe I should write a page about each of my boys so you get a better idea of what they are like. They are all wonderful but all in very different ways. Yes, I'm sure I'm biased but they are lush and I would like you all to know it!!

I would never be without them but I wonder what I would be doing if I hadn't had kids. I had a really wonderful horse just before I had the Big One. He was well bred and his brother competed at Badminton Horse Trials a few years ago. That was quite a big what if moment for me. I always wanted to go eventing but only managed hunter trials as my anxiety always got the better of me. My horse was brilliant though. I put him out on loan to a lovely girl who absolutely adored him. She chose her college place based on how close to him she would be! I went to see them and he had obviously fallen in love with her too so I decided to sell him to her. They were made for each other and they got placed every time out. I'm sure they went on to do some amazing things and possibly still are. He would be 17 yrs now and I hope he  has enjoyed all of them.

Enough of that. I suppose I should do something more productive like a bit of cleaning (or sleeping ha ha!) or I could finally put the washing on that has been sat in the machine for 3 days waiting to be washed!! The possibilities are endless...

Wish me luck for my Stressful Saturday and long live Stress Free Sunday!!
Shadows??  BAH!!