20.... Tons of Poooooo

Not feeling so great today. It would be so much better if I could just gradually improve a bit every day. I'm finding it really hard having a great couple of days just to be hit with a pants one. I'm in yoyo recovery and it sucks, like a granny with no teeth!!

I had a thumping headache when I got up to feed Squish at 3am. You know the kind that gets infinitely worse when you stand up and leaves you almost blind with pain. It's a killer! It wasn't too bad when I got up again at 7.45 just a dull ache. I took the dog out with the boys for a round of stick and a lap of the village. I thought that had done the trick until Chaos decided he didn't want a sleep when we got home, thank you very much. The thumping came back with a vengeance and kept beautifully in time with Squish screeching for attention and Chaos whining in my ear. They are now peacefully sleeping while I recharge with a bag of jellies and a cup of tea.

I think really I should have a sleep too but I'm starting to get a bit anxious about the trip to Portsmouth. I was thinking earlier that I should write a list of what I'm going to need as packing for 3 is challenging at the best of times. I was also worrying about how I'm going to heat up Squishy's bottles during the day. My husband is going to meet me at the hotel and stay so he can help with the boys and hopefully keep me sane. He is working in the area next day so it's not too much trouble for him and we get a rare night away! Unfortunately, the Big One can't come as there are no more visitor passes (the babies don't need one but he would being older) so he and the dog are going to be spoilt rotten at my parents overnight.

I think the tablets are working. I can feel in my head I am getting stressed and worrying about what's going to happen but my body is not responding in the usual way. I'm not getting tense or sick or panicky and there is no adrenalin rush. It's a very strange feeling, like being happy but unable to smile. I'm feeling anxious but with no symptoms. Maybe that's the reason for the headache. I might take some painkillers if it doesn't ease off soon. I don't like taking them as I feel like I'm on enough drugs already. Realistically, I only take two a day so not that many at all!

It's going to be one of those days today. Every time I sit to type a bit more Squish wakes up and cries. I'm sat with him now in the hope that he won't wake up Chaos. Some days I feel like I spend the day running between the two of them. Then the Big One is home followed by my husband and I don't feel like there is enough of me to go round. They all go off and do their own thing then I am expected to be on hand whenever I'm required. It probably isn't really like that but it feels like it at times.

I just had a flick over to Facebook. There is a lady who has just been allowed home after 3 months in a mother and baby unit having electro convulsive therapy twice a week. I feel quite humble after reading that. What the hell have I got to moan about?? She's getting shocked twice a week, as if this bloody illness wasn't miserable enough! It certainly puts things in perspective doesn't it. I really don't know how you would find the strength to get through that. I suppose when these things happen, you just have to find it from somewhere.

On that note, I'm going to stop whinging about a bloody headache, take some painkillers and go out in the garden or snuggle my Squish and be bloody grateful I can do any of these things.

Have a tiptop, grateful day peeps. Sod the shadows, get out in the sunshine and laugh like you mean it!!