4 Whole Weeks! Progress so far... Day 28

I finished my first pack of pills today and feel it is something of a milestone in my rocky journey. I can't believe it has been that long already. Each day has been so different. Some have been almost "normal" while others have been a complete nightmare. If you have been following me I hope you have found it helpful to know you're not alone. Keep going, it's worth it!

I'm not saying I'm cured, not by a long shot! I'm glad I am now in a position to be able to look back and see how far I have come. I was a complete mess when I started this Blog. My husband didn't want to go to work as he didn't like leaving me to cope for that long on my own. I cried at least 3 times a day and shouted a lot. Now, I haven't cried since last week and I only shout when Chaos won't listen (rather than when I can't cope). I feel calmer and a bit more relaxed. I was so tense, like a coiled spring and I didn't realise. In the first few days I was so tired and achy I didn't want to move. I know now it was because I was on red alert all the time. My muscles were tight and I was exhausted. 

I still have days when I ache and feel tired but now I realise it's a reaction to the tension I felt the day before. I'm going to the safari park tomorrow with my friend and the boys. Although I love going and it will be a great day, I still feel a bit apprehensive about it as it's out of the ordinary and unexpected things might happen. I always try to be prepared for everything so I know I can cope. It's the only way I can leave the house! (The more stressed I am about a trip, the more crap I take with me) I do TRY to be sensible though.

I have also come to understand a lot more about myself. Why I do things a certain way or react the way I do. Writing this has made me look at things slightly differently. Although I don't really moderate what I'm saying, I am aware of how things may appear to others. I try not to say things too outlandish! I think I have relaxed the editing a bit too. I remember typing something in one of my first posts and quickly deleting it as I thought someone from social services might read it, think I was serious and take my boys away. Now I realise that people are going to understand raising kids is hard and everyone has a moment of wanting to scream and tear their hair out. My Dad still says that a bit of 4x2 can sort out any problem but he never hit us with a plank of wood (or even threatened it) it's just something he says. Like "throwing them out the window" is something I say. It wouldn't ever cross my mind, it just helps lighten the mood I think. Besides, the safety catches would make it very difficult ha ha!!

Another thing I am trying to do is focus more on the moment. Like this morning, Squish was downstairs crying while I was trying to put Chaos to bed. I went to calm Squish down so Chaos set off crying. I brought Squishy upstairs while Chaos finished his milk then they were both happy.
I used to find it really hard to concentrate when they were both crying and I couldn't cope with it. I couldn't decide what was the best thing to do. I used to end up shouting which obviously made things worse. Then it felt like they were just crying all day and we got into a vicious circle. Now I take a deep breath and try to remember they are only going to cry for the next few minutes. It wont last all day, then I can have a cup of tea, life preserving tea. I haven't quite worked out who's life it is preserving yet though ha ha!!

One thing that hasn't changed is Mondays. For me, and probably most people, it's the hardest day of the week. After spending a whole 2 days with my gorgeous man and the boys I have to go it alone again. 5 days loom large in front of me and I find it hard to get up. I just don't want the day to start so I lie in bed as long as possible. Then they come up to say goodbye and I kick myself when I realise I have just wasted my time with them. Stupid but I'm the same every week. That will be the hardest thing to get used to I think.
To give me a little lift on a monday morning I thought maybe I should start a Blog Hop of my own called Monday Motivation. It could be a picture or a quote or something great happening that day that gives you a reason to get up on a Monday. What do you think? I'm not great at computer linky thingys so I am going to start looking into it now so I should be up and running by Monday. Will be great to share my worst day and make it better. I'm already looking forward to it... Hurrah!

I'm off to investigate the wonders of mod tech!

Enjoy the fun-shine folks. Stay out of the shadows, wear a hat instead!! x