Day 2: Thank Crunchie its Friday!!

Friday! At last. Feels like it's been a long time coming this week. Its funny how the days are the same length but some whizz past in the blink of an eye but others seem to take forever to pass.
Friday means I get to spend the next 2 days with my wonderful husband, happy days! Which will undoubtedly whizz by, Boooo! I'm going to concentrate on the next 2 days (rather than contemplate the arrival of another bloody Monday) in the hope that I stay out of the shadows today.

Writing this has definitely become a sort of therapy for me, as I'm thinking about it all the time. I was up at 3.30am feeding Squishy and I had a few ideas for things I could add and subjects to write about. Funny how its taking up so much brain space after such a short amount of time. Mind you, given that I didn't really have much to occupy my thoughts other than whats for tea, there was a sodding great void just screaming out to get a hold of something!

Where did I stop yesterday?  Oh yeah, I was going to try and have a nap... HAHAHA!! With perfect timing, both boys woke up just as the laptop clicked shut, bloody typical. Still, I was ok and managed to get through the afternoon. My Dad got the Big One from school so I didn't have to drive. We all took the dog out for a walk when they got home which was nice. (We went a different route so I'm gradually finding a selection of  walks for different weathers or time limits.)

I notice something yesterday. Although I was tired, it was a different sort of tired. Rather than the tense, panic induced exhaustion, I just felt tired. Quite relaxed and my mind was strangely calm too. No mad racing thoughts or stress because the house was still a mess (no I still haven't cleaned the bathroom!), just tired. You know what? It felt good! I can't remember the last time I wasn't stressing about something I hadn't done or getting somewhere on time. I like it, so long may it continue. It was quite hard not to get wound up when my husband got home and Captain Chaos started making THAT noise. ( All children have a noise that can send their parents up the wall in seconds, its a whingy, whiny awful sound akin to nails on a blackboard or a fork scratching a plate) He is definitely Daddys boy. He spends all day walking round the house saying Dah deee in a high pitched voice. It's very sweet (but also a bit wearing at times).

Today I'm feeling ok. Was in a bit of a mood when I came down and saw last nights dinner still smeared on the table (Chaos) a mountain of washing up and loads of bottles to wash. It soon passed once he left to take the Big One to school! I still feel tired and I have this heavy feeling behind my forehead but its ok. I also feel like Im walking along the edge of the shadows today. Like it wont take much to wander off course. Im going to really try not to let my thoughts go that way. Its as if once you have one negative thought it breeds like wildfire and you end up feeling really bloody miserable and you don't want to bother doing anything. I would really like to take the dog for a walk later and I have to get the Big One from school too so I better be careful!

I was wondering last night who reads this. If it is people in a similar situation and if it helps to know that I'm going through it too. I was looking through other blogs the other day and found one about another lady with PND  (http://www.andpndmakesthree.com/) I can honestly say I dont remember the last time I laughed so much. The tears were pouring down my face! My husband (looking rather startled and slightly concerned at my outburst) asked if I was ok. Unfortunately, I was laughing too much to be able to answer him. I think I felt so much relief at someone else thinking so many things I had I couldn't hold it in. I have read several posts and have enjoyed them all so pop over and have a gander. I hope its ok to share and sorry in advance if I upset anyone!

I thought I might add a page of information about Post Natal Depression and Anxiety in case there are people reading this who don't know much about either condition. I should add that the information will either be from personal experience or that found on the internet so should not be taken as medical fact only as a general guide. I hope it helps :)

My head is starting to feel a bit heavy so might call it a day for now. I was trying to explain it to my husband yesterday and this was the only thing I could come up with. You know at the end of a night out, you're a bit mullered and some drama occurs. You're trying really hard to be sensible and sort things out but really you cant think straight and you can't think of the right thing to say. That's how I feel, all day!

Enough for now. Take care and stay out of the shadows!!