Ugh... Day 1

I saw the Dr yesterday. Luckily, I had seen him before so it wasn't too difficult to talk to him. I showed him the list I had written and he said they were all symptoms of stress, anxiety and post natal depression. He has given me Citalopram which he said is very effective in treating post natal depression and anxiety. He did say one of the initial side effects was anxiety so I have a low dose of Diazapam in case it does make my anxiety worse. He also said I should get in touch with my health visitor as I don't have any regular support other than my husband. I have to go back in 3 weeks once the pills have had a chance to start working.


I felt like crying when I left. I'm not sure exactly why. I suppose it has made me realise how bad things have got and I feel awful for not doing something about it earlier. I suppose I thought I could manage it myself. I was also really worried about what effect the pills would have on me and whether I would still be ok to care for the boys on my own. I didn't want to end up in a heap with the babies crying and no-one to look after them, that would just be heart-breaking! (Christ, it would look like one of those NSPCC adverts, Steven doesn't cry anymore as he knows no one will come..... Arrgghhh!!!)

I spoke to a friend who, for one reason and another, has a lot of experience with mental illness and medications. After bending her ear for an hour (love her!) I felt loads better and totally reassured that I wasn't about to lose the plot completely after taking these pills. They are the most commonly used and have the least side effects. She hasn't known anyone whos anxiety got worse from taking them so I shouldn't need to use the Diazapam. If I do, take the first one when my husband is here so I know what the effects will be. Why don't bloody Drs learn how to be this reassuring??

Squishy baby was awake a lot last night. He has a bit of a cold and had wind so was not happy. He woke up about every half hour til 3am when we both got up, walked him about and gave him some gripe water. He slept then until 8am but Captain Chaos took over and woke up just after 5a,m. Consequently I feel like poooopikaka today! As advised, I took my tablet when I got up and started to feel quite rough about half an hour later. I forgot to eat something first. I had a bit of toast and some porridge which made me feel worse for a while but now I feel quite good. I'm totally shattered and think its the coffee I had earlier that's keeping me going really!! Think I'll make the most of it and finish this later....