A Little Unwell..... Day 36

The rest of yesterday was a bit of a disaster. I had a few bouts of crying but tried to get on with things. I was getting some washing out of the machine when I asked my husband if he had Monday off. He said "yes, it's a bank holiday." I meant the following Monday. "Oh. No I'm working"

The significance of that is, it's my birthday. The Big One also goes back to school that day which means I will be sat here on my own all day :( He also told me he has taken a day off at the end of the month to pack for a weekend in Scotland for his brothers birthday.

In my garbled PND brain he is working Easter and my birthday because he would rather do that than spend time here with us. He has taken the day off for his brothers birthday not mine so I'm not worth it. 

I took the handful of washing up to the line and thought "Fuck it, what's the point?" I threw the washing on the floor and walked back down the garden, through the house and out the front door. I didn't say anything to anyone. I got the keys off the hook by the door and drove off. I was crying and wailing so much I had to pull over just down the road as I couldn't see a thing. I sat there for 4 hours...

I  was meant to be seeing the Corporal at 3pm and it was about 5pm before I got myself together and realised if I didn't go then I wouldn't see her again for months! I drove over to her house and she rang my husband to say I was ok. (He had rung to see if I was there). We had a chat and a laugh or 3. I'm really going to miss her but I really hope she has the best time! I also told her to make sure she always stands behind somebody taller than her! Once we said goodbye I drove home. I didn't really want to but I felt like I was just running away otherwise. 

My husband was waiting for me when I got in. We had a chat. The boys had been ok until bedtime then they were both crying and keeping each other up. I think it all got to him as he hit our bedroom door and broke the hinge (it wouldn't have taken much as it was cracked anyway). I was annoyed that he lost it after one afternoon though. I feel like that sometimes but I don't break things. You have to just deal with it. I forget that this must all get to him as well. He is always so calm and supportive towards me I don't think about how hard it must be for him. I am going to think of a few questions for him to answer in his post so, if there is anything you would like to ask him stick it in the comment box and I'm sure he wont mind answering them. 

Looking back, I can't believe I just walked out. How could I do that?! I didn't even think about what I was doing, I just picked up the keys and left. I didn't even think about my boys. Awful. I realise today that I was at breaking/broken point. I couldn't understand how people could just walk out without a backward glance until yesterday. I'm just glad it happened at the weekend when my husband was here. I'm not sure if it would have happened if I was on my own. That's a scary thought. Surely, there must be something else I can do other than sit here hoping I don't abandon the boys and take a few pills every day?! I wish this thing had a time limit. I would be counting the minutes I can assure you. I really need to sort myself out, this is way too much now. 

On a more positive note, today passed without major incident. I had a pretty good nights sleep and a nap so I was ready for our visitors (I even managed a shower and a bit of cleaning!). Chaos had a sleep in the morning so he was quite amiable. He had another sleep in the afternoon too which is very unlike him! We all had some lunch and a natter which was very relaxed. I think I was too harsh yesterday, probably just the stress of the whole thing. It will be good to catch up when we can have a proper chat sometime. Until then we will have to make do with email. 

The Big One has just gone to bed, my husband is working until 2:30am and I'm lying on the sofa with a bag of jellies watching Take Me Out... No likey, No lighty!! I think I might get on Google and see if I can find any tips to beating this PND other than taking pills. Surely there must be something else I can do! Any ideas gratefully received. I'm also going to read through a few more posts on the Grand Live Mental Health Blog Hop. I'm up to 55 of 178 so far! Have a look. Go on, you know you want to!

Happy Easter everyone x


P.S. Have you heard this song by Matchbox 20? Unwell   It's brilliant and I love it!