I think yesterday was put on a brave face day as I'm feeling pretty poo today. Well, totally shit in fact.
It's really getting to me today. Why do I have to be like this. Why am I stuck here with these bloody kids day after day when everyone else goes out frolicking in the sunshine. I'm sat here in the half light stalked by my inner demons and 2 bored, moaning children. It's doing my bloody head in! The only relief I get is typing my inner most dis-functions into this thing and casting them out into cyberspace for the unknown to judge or comment. How long will this go on for? How long can I go on for? I feel like my head is going to implode with the weight of it all. I am becoming increasingly more able to switch off what is going on around me. I have to or the moany, whining noises would push me over the edge. I think that's why I spend so much time walking, it's the only time they bloody shut up for a garenteed amount of time! I can totally sympathise with them today. I feel like shouting at the top of my voice but that would definitely be advertising the fact I have lost the plot and probably scare the babies.
I really don't know how long I can cope with this. I have spoken to the Dr as I don't feel the tablets are working and he says I haven't been on them long enough to tell. Surely after 5 weeks I shouldn't be feeling like this for days on end. I feel like it's getting worse again. Like I've been fighting the tide and now I'm too tired to fight or the waves are too strong. Either way I'm fucked
Any ideas? Answers on a post card to .......
Hello Kat. This is like reading my own words 10 years ago. I totally know where you are coming from and reading your post brought back so many memories.I remember wanting to scream at my children. I hated being a mum in those dark days and I could see no way that it would ever change. I felt alone and exhausted and totally removed from other mums around me who all seemed so bloody jolly and good at being surrounded by annoying kids.
ReplyDeleteThe best thing I ever did was go and see my doctor.I eventually got through it with the help of prozac and a counsellor.I felt like such a failure at the time, but now I see that it was the chemicals in my body controlling me.Being a mum has been the hardest thing I've ever done and at the time I used to worry my boys would be damaged by the way, frankly, I hated being with them. They were not damaged and I got through it.
You will get through this. Keep going. Keep writing too - that's the same reason I started my blog.You are so not fucked!!! I know right now its shit, but it will get better. I started exercising back then too and it really helped. You need to have time for you too, without the children if you possibly can.
Keep going. Keep writing.Keep exercising.I know it seems like a pointless and impossible task, but I promise it gets better.You are not alone.
Sending you hugs. Sarah xxx
ps I came over from BritMums to say hello. There are lots of women on there who are going through or have been through PND. We understand what is a bloody horrible thing to go through. I will be back x