20 May Blog Challenge

This is quite an epic post so grab a cuppa, a biscuit (or two!) and maybe some tissues...

A Difficult Time..

This is going to be a really tough one to write.

In April 1999 I found out I was pregnant. My partner wasn't supportive or happy about it, even though he thought it was a great idea before I found out. I was told to go for a scan to check it wasn't ectopic. My partner didn't come or even ring to find out the result! Game over for him. I knew then I would be on my own with a baby - a single Mum. After watching my sister struggle with her 4 on her own, it was the one thing I never wanted to have to do.

Around the same time I had to take my Mum to the Doctors. She had been unwell for a while but wasn't getting any help from the Dr other than pain killers for the headaches she kept having. I went and explained that her memory was awful, she had mood swings, didn't get up every day, was wobbly on her feet, didn't eat much or sleep very well. The Doctor seemed genuinely shocked so Mum obviously hadn't told her what was wrong. 

We were given an appointment at the old Mental Health Hospital. I took her as my Dad was working and couldn't get time off. I remember the lady asking Mum questions like "what year is it" and "what country are we in" I looked at her like she was mad. My Mum wasn't bloody stupid she was ill, why ask such obvious questions?! Then I had the shock of my life.  Mum didn't know. She couldn't answer. I thought she was joking at first, thinking the woman was kidding her also but I looked at her and she was genuinely confused. Not a fucking clue! She also didn't know what time of year it was, anything in the news or where we were. 

Me and my Mum in 2003

I was so shocked I didn't know what to say. I couldn't understand how she could not know this stuff, it's so basic! What the hell was wrong with her?! It also struck me how bad she had got and we hadn't noticed. How completely useless were we. How could we not fucking notice this poor woman was right on the edge of slipping into oblivion and we didn't even bloody notice! (It still annoys me we didn't act sooner - can you tell?) The lady asked what other things I had noticed so I told her about the mood swings, staying in bed and she couldn't walk without holding the wall. With that her head snapped up and she looked right at me. It was that quick I almost jumped. "Fuck" I thought "It's serious". So she watched my poor Mum weaving her way down the corridor and nearly fall over when told to let go of the wall.

God, this is so hard. I'm crying my eyes out typing this as I haven't really gone over this before. 

Back in the room the woman said she was going to arrange for Mum to have a brain scan as she was worried about her lack of balance. She rang and got an appointment while we waited outside. I think it was for the next day but all I can remember was it was Thursday 9th December. My Dad took her. They were gone all day. I went up to work to see the horses and tell my horse all about it. I didn't know what else to do. My baby was due on Jan 1st so I was just over 8 months pregnant. It was such a long day. It got dark and they still weren't back. I put the tv on and stared straight through it. I don't know how long I sat like that until the phone rang. It was my Dad. Apparently Mum wasn't "too well" and had to stay in overnight. Could I get a bag ready for her and he would come home and pick it up. 

When he came back he didn't stop to explain, he said he had to get back as it was late and he wanted Mum to have her things before visiting time was over. I didn't think any more about it at the time but I realise he was partly stalling, he knew what was coming.

When he got home he explained that when they did the scan they had found a mass at the front of her brain. They were going to transfer her to Frenchay Hospital the next day as they are specialised in that area. She would need an operation to try to removed the mass. So, the next day we both drove to the hospital to take her to Frenchay, yes they let us take her and I still don't quite get why. She wanted to stop off for a McDonalds. Mum HATES McDonalds! So we all sat in the car park and ate our burgers. It was all a bit strange but I think Mum just wanted to do something "Normal". When we got there she wanted to have a cigarette before she went in. Dad let her smoke IN THE CAR!! (he HATES smoking in cars, especially his!). I remember her saying "If I've got Cancer anyway one more wont hurt". We checked her in and got her settled. We stayed as long as we could before heading home. I think it was around this point that we both slipped into some parallel reality. I have no idea really about what happened in the days that followed. 

We went to see her every day initially. It got quite tiring for me to drive 2hrs to see her every day so I started going every other day. It also meant I had something to talk about. She moaned that Dad came but had nothing to say, even then nothing changed!! 

On Wednesday 22 we had a meeting with the surgeon who explained what was going to happen in surgery. What they were hoping to achieve and what the outcome may be. Yes, MAY be. He explained that the tumour may have grown into her brain and if that was the case it would be impossible to remove it without a severe risk of brain damage. They wouldn't know until they were operating. He tried to explain the after effects IF she made it through surgery. She may stay as she is, she may have some brain damage of varying severity which could be anything from speech to movement, she may have a stroke, her personality or sight may be affected as the tumour is in that area of the brain. The list went on.. and on. Basically, they didn't know if she would make it through surgery and if she did what her recovery would be like. A complete fucking nightmare really! 

What followed was the worst thing I have EVER had to do in my life. I had to say goodbye to my Mum for what may be the last time and leave her there. Fuck it was awful. She was so brave, she didn't cry, she just smiled and told me to look after my Dad "because he can't look after himself". That made me laugh! 

Then it was Dads turn. I moved away to give them some privacy (ha, we were in the doorway of the ward!). All I heard Mum say was "make sure you look after her." I walked a bit further. I didn't want to hear any more. My Mum, MY MUM!! This wasn't happening surely?! 

We drove home in silence really. What can you say?

The next day was awful, the bloody op took ages. Dad decided to go and do some Christmas shopping as we hadn't got anything, funnily enough. He was gone all day. When he got back he said he had no idea where he had been but he hadn't bought a thing. I had put the tree up in the hope of cheering the place up a bit. Dad came in, sat in the chair, still in his coat. I asked him what he thought and he said "That looks really nice" in the most boring, monotonous voice you can imagine. I looked round at him as he looked at me and we both just laughed our bloody heads off! 

We made a cup of tea and the hospital rang... She made it!!!

Dad spent the rest of the night on the phone telling everyone she made it through the op, now we had to see how well she would recover. Incidentally, the tumour was a malignant melanoma, it hadn't grown into her brain at all and was the size of a Grapefruit!


We went to see her the next day with my Uncle and Aunt. It was awful walking through the ward with everyone wrapped up like Mummies, I wasn't sure which one was her. I started to feel a bit panicky, that I would walk right past her and not realise. My eyes started darting round the ward and finally I saw her. I was shocked but relieved. She had huge black eyes and her head was wrapped up with drain tubes coming out of the bandages. I wanted to cry and hug her but instead I took a deep breath and went to see my wonderful Mum.

I fed her lunch that day. She had breaded fish with peas and sweet corn. I remember thinking how stupid it was to give someone fresh out of surgery flippin' peas! She could hardly sit up on her own let alone chase peas round her plate with a fork!
They moved her back onto the ward and on Boxing Day we took her presents over. She was very tired and slept most of the time we were there. The following day when we got there we took one look and fell about laughing! Mum was sat on her bed opening her presents wearing a Russian Hat (Ushanka) someone had given her. It was brilliant and we all had a laugh about it!

A week later it was my turn, so my poor Dad got in the car and we trundled off to hospital. My little man was born at 3.27am on 1st January 2000 and he was perfect. I had no idea what I was doing but he was great! The best thing? My Mum came to see me the next day!! She was allowed home for the day so they called in on the way back to frenchay. I was so bloody pleased that she was there. I really missed her and wish she had been with me.

This is my Mum holding her grandson a week after her operation - pretty amazing lady huh?! He was a day old. Below is our article in the paper. We have it laminated and framed on the wall.

I am pleased to say she made a full recovery and was back to complaining about us all fairly quickly ha ha!
Unfortunately, last year Mum was diagnosed with Non-hodgkins lymphoma. So far, she has had her spleen removed and recovered well from the operation. She is now going for her second bone marrow biopsy as her hemoglobin levels keep dropping. She has it in her bone marrow so I don't think they can fix it, only maintain her condition. My parents are being a bit tight lipped about it and I don't want to push them.
I just wish I could make her better.