Not Quite Square One...

This has been a really tough week for a few reasons. I'm still not quite sure how I have made it to Friday but I'm pretty glad it's here. The boys have all been hard work as they are all finding things hard at the moment.

I suppose it wouldn't have been too difficult had I not been trying to fight off a really painful sore throat and flu type combo. It is leaving me really wiped out so all I want to do is sleep and drink warm juice. My poor little Squish has got it as well. He has a lovely rattley cough with a hint of D&V. Combined with his new obsession with standing up and letting go of supporting furniture he is constantly worn out and bruised. 

I think George is entering some kind of hormone induced terrible toddler phase. All of a sudden he has started having frustrated tantrums if things don't go as he wants them. He is finding the tantrums equally upsetting as he doesn't seem to understand what is going on and wants a lot of cuddles, which isn't really like him. Poor lad. He isn't sleeping as well or eating properly either which doesn't help at all. It is all a vicious circle I'm sure.

The Big One is a full blown grunting wonder. He is firmly embracing all the less endearing characteristics of the common teenager. Sleeping until lunchtime, eating junk and as much of it as he can get, wearing his jeans round his arse (I'm sure that's just to get at me as he knows I hate it), answering every question with "I dunno" or grunting. Playing the Xbox or watching tv at every given opportunity. Disappearing out and only returning when hungry or summoned. I knew it would happen one day and was starting to prepare myself once he started secondary school. I am a little peeved that not one person warned me this happens OVERNIGHT! One evening, your little sweetie will climb the stairs having said "goodnight Mummy" and kissed you on the cheek. The thing that comes down in the morning is a bit smelly and disheveled, with floppy hair over their eyes, clothes that are clinging on for dear life and an apparent loss of speech. 

I was prepared to be understanding. He is going through a lot of "changes" and I remember it being bloody awful so I was all really to cut him some slack.  

What I wasn't prepared for was that the bulk of his dislike would be aimed at me. If I dare pull him up on something he looks at me like he's just scraped me off his shoe. That's the worst bit for me. I try to make sure he doesn't go without and he just doesn't seem to appreciate it at all. "Don't bovver then". Grrrrr!! 

It has made me realise what I nightmare I must have been for my parents and I actually apologised to them last time I was there! It wont last forever so I'm just going to buckle up and ride it out.

In other news.. My husband has handed in his notice at work. I know it's a bit of a risk at the moment but he is going to work for his Uncles security firm. He will earn the same amount doing part time hours so he will get to spend more time at home with the kids. It also means I will be able to get a JOB!!! I will be able to leave my babies with someone they love and trust for free and go out into the big wide world to earn a crust. After 3 years of being a bum Mum, it is quite a daunting prospect. I will find out just how mushy my brain has become from over exposure to Justin Fletcher and Waybuloo! If the interview is toddler wrestling or nappy changing one handed whilst restraining octopus child with the other, the job is mine!

I have also been dashing about getting my brother in law to his various appointments. I have also had to nag encourage him to ring up about housing and jobseekers to find out how his claims are going. I try to get him up by 10am (as I think that's late enough for the unemployed) and make him eat 3 times a day. That said he is lovely to have about. He doesn't make a nuisance of himself at all so that's a blessing. He also makes very good tea!  

What with all this going on I have been struggling once again with the looming sense of oncoming shadows. I can feel myself having to make much more of an effort to do things. I am slightly less reactive when the boys cry now which is always a big sign for me that all is not well. I'm not saying I leave them for hours, just that I don't put as much effort in to soothing them or as quick to go to them. (Nope, that still sounds awful to me!) 

I had a phone consultation with the Dr on Wednesday (that's how we roll in the sticks!). He said that I would still get good days and bad days but as it has been gradually getting worse over the last few weeks he has advised me to increase the dose of my Antidepressants. I am now on the max dose so I hope this works. 

I have thought about this a lot and I think it is not that the tablets stop working. I think it is more that the situation here hasn't changed at all. I still feel a bit stuck with the boys and totally fed up with clearing up after everyone even though I keep on at them to help me out. I am hoping that once I start a new job I won't need to stay on the higher dose as it should alleviate the problem. I have to try to stay positive or it will just overwhelm me completely. Just goes to show, the shadows are never far away. 

"You have to turn to face the sun to put the shadows behind you."