Only this time I know his game. I know the rules. I've played him before and this time I'll beat him for good.
I can only assume I'm back here due to my inability to cope with the huge amount of stress I've been under. Quite honestly, I didn't realise just how much stress I have been under until I went under. I knew I wasn't coping with the boys too well but I put that down to their lack of routine. Looking back, I think it has all just gradually spiraled out of control.
Today, I took the scary drive to the Drs. I had my little Squish Pot with me so I didn't lose it completely. I had a list of my latest symptoms with me as I knew I wouldn't remember them once I was there. They seem worse this time. They include:
Forgetting things- as in forgetting how to make a cup of tea and other basic things
Not understanding simple conversations, as if it's in a foreign language
Being massively tired but unable to sleep
Crying, a lot
Anxiety levels through the roof
A feeling that I have loads to do but can't remember any of it
Some weird hallucinations
Massive pressure in my head
A strong urge to hit things or bang my head against something
Fear of people and going outside
Not wanting to be alone
Not relating to the time of day - 5pm = teatime
Reading through the list it sounds quite alarming, well it is isn't it. It's not nice dealing with all these things from the inside either. I am writing them in the hope it will help others going through this internal hell. I want people with these symptoms to know they aren't alone. I also want them to know it is ok. Go get some help. See a Dr or call them. They wont take your kids. I was terrified the first time I went. I swore blind I was an unfit mother and nobody in their right mind would leave me in charge of three children. But they did. Knowing that my boys would stay with me made it easier to get help this time. It still crossed my mind and I still had that conversation with my husband again.
So today I went back to the Dr. I have some new pills this time as my symptoms are slightly different. I don't know if that means worse or I'm not classified as having PND now that Squish is 2yrs old. From the 20 minutes in her room all I have remembered is "Take one every MORNING and come back on 31st so we can review and raise the dose". Having read the box, I am on 50mg of Sertraline a day. They may cause drowsiness so I can't drive until I know how they will affect me. That will cause massive problems in getting the boys to school/nursery. Still, I'll cross that bridge when I get to it.
My biggest concern is that my husband goes back to work on Friday and I will have to fend for myself for 4 days while he's away. He took a week off to look after me and the boys. The thought of it makes me panic and cry so I'm trying really hard not to think about it for now. He has an interview for a new job tomorrow and I really hope he gets it so he wont have to be away any more. I hate it and so do the boys. We really miss him. So fingers crossed...
Oh Bugger, Kat. That's crap.Well done for going to the doctors. The pills will work and you will beat the shadow. Keep going. xxx
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